Innovations that aren’t Upgrades

attackofthekillertomatoesInnovations are the prototypes that thrust our civilization forward and though most can’t be faulted for trying, I’m dismayed to see failed conventions weaving themselves into our societal tapestry. Like cat hair washed into your favorite black t-shirt, extricating each bit of unwanted material would be painstaking, laborious. Incomplete to the point of impracticality. Many of the following can almost be pardoned as footnotes on the path to better things, a sort of transitional limbo best explained by current sufferers of seemingly-interminable puberty. But because conversing with tweens can be spiritually taxing, I’ll simply bitch about various tech that doesn’t meet my layman expectations.

Continue reading

Car Modifications are Stupid

swiss army car[Chrysler excluded], any kind of after-market car mod is scientifically proven to divide whatever dignity it once retained and exemplify a concentrated waste of human effort…. unless the goal is to burn cash and impress drug dealers with more metal in their grimaces than a chromed exhaust tip. Like a stage production cobbled by an elementary school of mentally challenged paraplegics (where scotch tape holds both the cardboard scenery AND disparately-sequined costumes together), these rolling abominations are labors of love to which bystanders can only mutter and hope to shake their furrowed brows loose with tight head motions. Here are some guidelines to ensure that your slab/donk/hoopde is nightmarishly ostentatious, exhuding all the charisma of a shrieking tantrum exhibited in a Wal-Mart checkout lane.

Continue reading

Ridic-Useless Systems that We Haven’t Replaced

system-brokenYou and I will either hear about, get used by, or participate in these broken-ass systems on a daily basis. Most are subtle, while others are just so stupid/trivial that we’ve never really put much thought into them. Well, I DID! Although I didn’t write paragraphs about shit like the hap-hazard inconsistencies in English pronunciation or the remaining Blue Laws (or even anything remotely important for that matter), I’ve cobbled a decent list of incongruent annoyances about mundane life, as well as some wide-scale troubles that should probably be addressed. They actually make me mad the more I think about them…. so, in no particular order, I bring you 10 (and a half) RIDICULOUS SYSTEMS:

Continue reading

Thank/Fuck You Laredo: Part 1- What Are You Looking At?

I was asked, pestered, frequently reminded [insert word of choice here] by my husband to write for his section on rants on this website. He says that it would be a good release for me to put it all on paper. Therapeutic release I suppose. Either that or he can only take so much about the rising costs of weddings, the ridiculous nature of the new “photographers” of our time or how people exist in their own worlds while existing in an even bigger world.  All he says is “You need to write about it.”  So here I am writing about it. I have a long list of things that need to be turned into an article but I’ll make my debut with this article about Laredo.  The town I grew up in, and for the most part grew up hating and waiting for the days till I was able to leave for college.

Continue reading

Slackers in Tech Support

supportMy “bread-winning” job is admittedly easy. Health and dental coverage. Three weeks of paid vacation. A little cubicle to myself where I can watch YouTube and Netflix and shoot zombies at AddictingGames.com in my downtime. But despite the low demands of this environment, there are STILL co-workers that exploit the company and shirk their minimal responsibilities. I “work” alongside people who clock in, abandon their desk, and play ping-pong in the cafeteria for half the day or even leave the campus while billing the company. Akin to stealing hundreds of dollars a week, these same people show up late, leave early, and still get paid for a full 40. These same people come in on the weekends to put in some “overtime”, despite there not being a single in-bound call….

Continue reading

The Jury System

What part of this seems like a good idea? You’ve got a panel of not random people who are not your peers who are selected by the opposing lawyers and then pulled from their respective jobs in the real world to go hang out in this farcical made-up world where varying viewpoints and parlor tricks are conjured in order to either curry sympathy or to appeal to moralistic senses of justice. God forbid if there’s a mis-trial or a Hung Jury; you might actually hang yourself in either scenario.

Continue reading

People Who Rate Everything Either 10 Stars or 1 Star

Okay. You’ve got a whole slider of selections on the Internet Movie Database, YouTube, Goodreads.com, Gamespot, Amazon, and others…. Why do some people choose to continuously blast or harp on mediocre products? I envision scenarios where a person becomes absolutely enthralled with a movie/game/book whatever, maybe being introduced to a genre they didn’t know existed, maybe connecting on a personal level with main characters’ victories and defeats, maybe a specific movie dredging the memory of an ex they just can’t seem to shake; these people then saying to themselves, “HEY, I gotta tell the world the specific numeral I believe to be associated with the quality of this experience. And it happens to be the absolute lowest score possible, like, on the same par with other absolutely horrendous and depressing pieces of work that I’ve seen. And gosh, this happens to me a lot!” Who are these inexperienced whiners consistently bemoaning the total failures or epic wins of just your average action movie or shallow book, one that is more deserving of 4’s and 6’s than the root canal (1) of the media or even the lottery winning (10) experience?

Continue reading

No Guilt to Spare

 

“Hi. I’m not going to hurt you. I didn’t mean to startle you. My wife is 3 months pregnant and we wanted to know if you can spare anything. Anything at all.”

 

What am I expected to say to that? Being approached as I step into my vehicle at night in front of a Half Price Books (notorious for big spenders) is jarring to say the least. But how am I supposed to respond? I respond in the negative, that I don’t carry cash.

Continue reading