No, I’m serious. This thing, a non-descript black box committed to the stylings of that dusty piece of electronics your grandfather can’t bring himself to throw away, is in disguise. On the surface, they’re pitching it as a “media hub”. They say that it is an all-in-one device into which you funnel your existing bits of tech, but I’m going to call them out on the bullshit. There are marauding Greeks inside this console, just waiting to sell your personal information and creep on your family.
It Recognizes Humans
Pretty cool right? I mean, that’s the whole purpose of the Kinect, Move, and Wii in the first place. The “gaming” aspects of a camera demand that the system be sophisticated enough to see and respond to user input, which happens to be body movement. This camera, however, is incredible. It literally maps you, joints included, and even extrapolates your physics from an internal 3D model of the user in real time.
It Senses up to Four People at Once
Even better. Multi-player. The field of view is 60% bigger than the old Kinect, so everyone in the room will have an opportunity to play, even when sitting down actually, I guess…. apparently. Since the XBox One has mutated into a “media hub”, I guess it’s arguable that the thing needs to spot people sitting on the sidelines, or passing through the room. I mean, how else would a mute couch potato change the channel remotely?
It Understands Speech
Just like Siri, the XBox One is articulate enough to understand and process speech. Incredible. My fingers are way too cumbersome for typing, and a wireless headset just seems too intrusive in the modern age. What could possibly be even MORE intrusive, however, is if the mic was on -like- all the time. Because that would be embarrassing. Nevermind the technical feat of differentiating my voice from those on television, I hope it doesn’t mistake a-bomb-inable speech euphemisms and topics as security risks.
Users are sized and fitted for their own expressionless pod person.
It Reads Your Face
Wait, what? You’re kidding. How…. no, WHY exactly? Is that a game? Are we still talking games? I rolled my eyes (hope it didn’t record that) when hand-held cameras started releasing with “smile sensors”, but what could I possibly use this feature for? Will my look of sheer concentration or utter disbelief alter my game-playing experience? Will the MP3’s track change when I frown? I can’t fathom why a piece of tech would need to be able to understand my mood, much less interface with my face.
It Senses Heart Rate
You’re kidding me. From clear across the room, using its IR sensors, this creepy-ass thing can tell my heart rate? That is relevant exactly zero times if you disclude an automatic call to the hospital in the event of a sudden stroke or pulmonary arrest. At least the XBox One will be able to tell paramedics what my last phrase and facial expression were, y’know, to make a more accurate epitaph. Me gripping my chest, teeth clenched, will be etched into a tombstone labeled, “I shoulda bought…. life alert. Hufft.”
It Sees in the Dark
Is nowhere safe? I JUST wanted to watch some television before bed. Well at least I can unplug the damn thing.
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The Camera and Microphone Must Remain Connected at All Times
Well, fuck.
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All Devices Bow to The One
In fact, the whole system was never intended to be switched off. Your current media devices are to be plugged into the XBox’s massive set of ports and since the thing can switch itself “on” by you merely sitting down with controller in hand, then this proves that it is never truly “off” in the first place. Nevermind that Microsoft has patented an “achievement” system for watching certain shows, but the ability to flip seamlessly between multiple television programs, music, social networking, and the internet all while background content is in limbo raises a number of concerns. Whomever juggles multiple channels and the rest of this shit on the fly will be pleased with the system, but they should be made aware that an all-in-one equates to an intrusive investigative report being hand-delivered to XBox’s puppet-masters on a use-by-use basis.
Your Data is Their Data
This phrase means that users can not ask Microsoft to delete their information. Once taken, the info belongs to Gates and company. “Whoop-de-fuckin’-do”, says a generation who feels that Uncle Sam and corporations have free-range rights to view our houses like an ant farm, dig through our garbage, or to watch our windows with a pair of binoculars. In a way, being monitored makes some people feel special and important. These are the same who proclaim their “innocence” is what excuses the literal implementation of a dystopian police state. In reality, these are the fucktards that are actually ruining society, not the ones who only PROPOSE bad ideas. The more they give up, the more that is subsequently taken from the rest of us. If we can’t even get full disclosure from ELECTED officials on matters of our personal safety and American exploitation in general, why would I pay to have a camera crew park in my living room without me receiving a dime? They’re spying because they like your money, not you.
You're so naughty! Now gimme "sultry" and some "corporate malfeasance".
These Features Were Cut after Consumer Backlash
*Mandatory 24 Hour Check-In via Internet
*No Used Games in some cases (Fees for Others)
*No Game Lending (Rentals too?)
*Game Profiles Tied to a Single Account
*[System Mandated] Regional Restrictions on Games
More appropriately, they changed these after Sony bitch-slapped them at E3. Separate from everything else in this article, these five points are “innocent” money-grabs or DRM tactics that were meant to accompany the Xbox One. They were cut, but I list them to reiterate where Microsoft’s true heart is. This is the type of shit that the company WOULD HAVE implemented had the fanbase not blown a fuse. (It’s just too bad that we’re relatively under-concerned with privacy infringement.) It’s also worth mentioning that you must now connect to the internet one time before playing each game to have it cleared by Microsoft, thus dicking over many Americans without the net.
The Bottom Line
With a laughably absent amount of solid release titles and a smoke-and-mirrors presentation forcing attention away from the XBox’s ability to do the One thing that game consoles are built to do, Microsoft’s actions and this particular product should remain under severe scrutiny. Although a handful of restrictions are written into the usage agreement regarding the console’s dubious potential, we all know that latent power is still power to be considered. Since no one (including myself) reads the damn license agreement and it is self-regulated to allow for future changes on Microsoft’s part, we could very likely be looking at the next big data-mining technology that strips you of your home privacy and even targets family members for all manner of eerily-accurate advertisements, or worse.
The XBox One is a Trojan Horse which will be invited into millions of homes come 2014. It has unprecedented biometric scanning capabilities and WILL be able to pattern your surfing habits, your channels watched, what you physically look at, and your facial reactions to these programs. It WILL be able to overhear your conversations, determine how many people partake (even in total darkness), and create a proportional 3D model of your sons and daughters. If you couple this capability with the heart rate monitoring, the raw data can likely be used to determine emotions on known stimuli like a polygraph test and (crazy I know) this data could POSSIBLY be compiled to create unofficial profiles of each person who merely walks in front of it, including guests to your domicile.
And this monitoring monstrosity USED to require internet access for daily verification….
Those who buy the XBox One because it is “the next big thing” deserve its violating policies. To view the horizon of gaming, simply ask yourself how far Micro$oft would go.
Vertical Twister is single player only. Sorry, no multipass.