Just what should we be looking out for, now that every human whim has an outlet, some form of social acceptance where most bizarre circumstances don’t even merit a second glance? How exactly do you spot true “crazy” in American culture? (Don’t expect answers.)
9. Furries and Fetishes in General
Something…. just seems off. I don’t feel immediately threatened, but I just don’t know what to make of a full-grown man who assembles his overweight friends so they can wear fox body-suits as they play Rock Band, their little orange tails swishing back and forth to the tune of overplayed burger-joint soundtracks. Sexual deviancy is not a big deal, I mean, when you keep it from those who don’t want to see it. But some shit is just plain weird. Paraplegic porn? Be my guest. Foot fellatio? Go right ahead. If you can keep your “bound-and-gagged leather ass-less chaps” fantasy from interrupting my trip to the grocery store, then I believe we succeed as a nation. It’s the idea that so much happens behind the scenes, so much remains hidden from public view, that really tingles the hairs on my neck. Or would it put me more at ease if the french maid was gang-banged by a goat and four midgets right there on main street?
*Watch Out For: Bronies, Rule 34, Spinning Meat, and Parties Involving Lemons
10. Pet Over-Infatuation
I get that pets often fill a person’s void of not having children; I mean, they ARE a lot easier to take care of and definitely cheaper. But this, like everything, is taken to obscene levels by people who don’t know how to enjoy a good thing. I talk to my own cat (and he meows back), so I have very little to gripe about beyond, oh I don’t know: people who let their pets lick their mouth, people who dress them for no reason what-so-ever, people who stack kennels and crates instead of buying furniture, people who taxidermy their dead pets, people who list their pets as the sole beneficiary of their inheritance, and people who buy the book, Stuff on my Cat.
*Watch Out For: Animal Breeders, Dogs in Purses, Owners of Pets named Mr. [anything]
11. Violent Movies, Music, and Games
Nine Inch Nails’ song “Closer” and the Toadies’ “Tyler” are the shee-yut. Even though half of Reznor’s lyrics contained an expletive and were subsequently bleeped, we heard the former every hour on the hour for several years, and it is to this day still on the radio in my hometown of Houston. “I want to Fuck you like an animal.”, repeated incessantly and coupled with the disturbing backstory behind “Tyler” can lead to some dark places. At some point, it becomes damn tricky to discern actual psychos who have adopted a new anthem amid those who weren’t aware of the songified rape attempt. I whole-heartedly believe in anger outlets, the media being utilized as a blow-off valve for the pressures accumulated during daily stressors, but one could lose sight of the limits should they not take care. Violent Movies and Games speak for themselves.
*Watch Out For: any Band beginning with “Insane Clown”, Quentin Tarantino (the Man, himself, since the Movies are tame by today’s standards), Demon Souls (since the frustration will drive you to murder)
12. Bad Driving
Road Rage is a staple of Americana and it’d be difficult to imagine that the country who pioneers the under-use of over-exaggerated vehicles is capable of “toning it down a notch”. (I saw an F-650 drop a guy’s family off at Best Buy for Christ’s sake.) Driving badly couldn’t possibly be a sign of homicidal tendencies…. or could it? Weaving sporadically in and out of traffic with a vehicle that could not only kill people but cause thousands of dollars of damage. Ever hear of involuntary manslaughter? Just this weekend, a major intersection was being re-routed because some redneck made a left into on-coming traffic instead of using the U-turn under the freeway. The collision resulted in the other car becoming an accordion, leaking red fluid, while the truck remained unscathed. Will the perp learn to drive conservatively after this horrifying experience? Well, maybe for a bit…. until he regresses. And that is just fucking crazy.
*Watch Out For: Asians, Cholos, Escalades, Soccer Moms, Old People, Young People, Males, Cars with Shiny Rims or Raised Two Feet off the Ground, and pretty much any Vehicles with Wheels actually
13. Hot Topic and Fashions
Baggy bondage pants with white make-up, victorian ruffles, and black lipstick? It’s not the circus (not nearly as bad); it’s Gothic! (Or “Emo” as it became called.) I rip on this infamous Angst Mecca, but really, fashion as a whole is shit and we had JUST clawed our way out of the ’80s. Crocs, Uggs, Skinny Jeans, Ostrich Boots, Knee-High Socks, Straps, Flaps, Chains, “jungle” prints and more. Used to be, you might get an indication that someone was off their rocker if they wore a dog-hair coat or mis-matching eskimo boots in summer’s heat, but not any more! Leopard spandex with an army jacket and stripper-heels? Why the fuck not? “Fashion” consists of two things: A) not many people are wearing it now and B) it hadn’t been popular for the last 5-10 years. Humans have already created every article of clothing that looks “good” on us, so anything else is going to be tacky or a crazy combination of existing items and materials.
*Watch Out For: Runway Models (starving people are desperate), Bargain Bins, Women who See Shoes they Don’t Own Yet
14. Over-Diagnosed Fears
Some may view this as positive, but we have a culture that labels everything. The problem with this is that once someone qualifies themselves into a professionally-diagnosed category, they feel vindicated in the irrationality (and I personally want them to be ashamed of their ridiculousness). This then becomes Society’s problem to accomodate them: time off from work and even special-order “tools” in certain situations. Out of nowhere, I pulled the most random thing that I felt couldn’t possibly strike fear into the hearts of anyone (no, not the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man): just Buttons. Sure enough, Koumpounophobia is a “real” fear of the plastic circles that hold clothes together. Severe symptoms include: “not wanting to breathe next to buttons in fear of inhaling one or washing your hands […] for an extended period of time after accidental contact”. That’s not legitimate to me. That shit is just downright crazy.
*Watch Out For: Anything Else on this List, and Buttons apparently
15. The NRA
As one of the biggest three lobbyists in politics, this non-profit organization definitely has some weight to throw around. Unfortunately, it does so in the interest of eradicating any traces of gun purchases and dissemination. When your goal in life is to put a rifle in the hands of every American…. you might have a Jeff Foxworthy joke on your hands. Also, you might be flipping insane, since I’m not comfortable with even half of my known-acquaintences owning firearms, much less Johnny Six-Shooter who lives in a burnt out shack over in “Cut and Shoot”, Texas. Yes, that is a real town and not a Snuff film.
*Watch Out For: Government Conspiracies, the “South”, your own Shadow
The Bottom Line
In short, just about anyone will fall into one or more of these categories, complicating the issue of how to properly defend yourself against a would-be attacker who has gone off the deep end. Since homicidal maniacs and social pariahs have become the order of this generation, your best armament is no longer looking for oddball behavior in your peers because it seems that the world is weird by default. Furthermore, to REALLY fuck with your sense of security, friends and family of the bat-shit crazy are always quoted in saying, “He was such a quiet, average kid.” This occurs in the news report covering the baffling crime of the fourth toe cut off all newborns in Hospital Ward C.
Maybe the chuckle-heads in the NRA actually have the right idea, that a circumvention to spotting craziness exists, and it is to give guns to would-be victims. Indeed, those 9-toed babies would have fared much better with a glock in their chubby, inarticulate hands (with certified training, of course).
In any case, a paranoid America (terrified of fanatic terrorists hell-bent on shooting up our offices and theaters) dominates our future. Well…. at least we have the freedoms to slam back a Monster energy drink while blaring our death metal as we veer our F650 (with a “God Hates Fags” bumper sticker) towards a Halloween party since we’re dressed as Michael J. Fox from “Teen Wolf” with Uggs since the latest Reddit post started some hilariously “ironic” meme about it. That party is going to be effin’ great. Fuckin’ A. (Whatever that means.)
Or should we be fearful of something completely different? I’m too confused to tell.