In an inspiring tale of courage Bacon -one of the younger members of the Pork dynasty- has finally spoken out about its recent abuses perpetrated on behalf of the American people. “I’m exhausted”, Bacon declares, “I used to take it all in stride, and maybe I was a little flattered at first, but it has gotten ridiculous.” Bacon chokes back tears. “They just don’t know their limits anymore and now it has even become POPULAR to stalk me.”
Bacon is of course referring to the smear campaign of character defamation endorsed by corporate giants, most noteworthy being Jack-in-the-Box who -against all sensibilities- now includes items such as the Bacon Milkshake as (honestly) an actual available food on the actual freakin’ menu.
Bacon products have been around. Bacon chocolate, in fact, has been out for years and consists of Bacon bits integrated into an otherwise unspoiled chocolate bar. But it is just recently that we have been subjected to an influx of commercially available products that span everything from Bacon ice cream to Bacon coffee to Bacon cereal. “What is WRONG with you people?! I’m a meat!”, Bacon exclaims woefully. “Crispy and greasy just don’t fit into all of your damn meals! Haven’t you ever heard of the food groups…. or BOUNDARIES?!”
Wikipedia, long-term midterms plagiarist and all-round (un?)trusted source, now has an entry entitled “Chocolate Covered Bacon”, of which it explains how to prepare this uniquely ‘North American dish’. “You make me want to retch”, Bacon sneers behind a frothy sheen of liquefied fat. “Only your country could come up with something so depraved. Is this the culture you envision, your legacy to the world?!”
“Blaconing”, the process of placing a piece of Bacon on random public objects (in the style of the “human” planking craze) and taking a candid picture was pushing the line, but still tolerated. “I never saw the appeal”, says a bewildered Bacon, “but it is certainly within character. After all, this country’s second biggest pasttime is wasting food. I felt it was best to ignore it until it all went away.” Bacon denies ever being photographed nude outside in this manner, but the tolerance would soon run thin.
It was when Jack-in-the-Box began spamming its obsessive, “Marry me, Bacon” commercials on television and over the internet that our interviewee had had enough. “That was the breaking point”, an enraged Bacon simmers in its own pork juices while wiping a bit of spittle from its crusty skin. “Man-on-pig law has been violated here. They’ve forced themselves upon me. It is unnatural and unwarranted.” A greasy pustule bursts and the stinging oil coats the surrounding walls. “I’ve tolerated this affront for far too long and am finally lashing back! I will no longer be a VICTIM to your perversions, AMERICA! Plus I’m already engaged!” Bacon, pushed to its emotional limitations, can simply not hold back at the end of the interview. “I hope you choke!” It overthrows a chair. “I hope you choke on your own gluttony you fat, mouth-breathing, sweaty, cholesterol ridden pigs!”
This unsurprising legal action arrives on the coattails of a long-standing feud with Orthodox Jews whom still refuse to even answer Bacon’s phone calls after what it did on that fateful day. Bacon’s PR team was unavailable for comment on either the historic or this most recent public outbursts, but we did receive a cryptic note scrawled by husband-to-be Kevin Bacon with the words: “One degree, bitches. I win.”