Avoid These Movies! (Vol. 3)

A continuation of the worst movies that I can recall, this is a list of memories invoked by horrible feats of cinema that made my skin crawl. Contained within, you will find a few more titles that rubbed me the wrong way. I hereby deem them “unwatchable” for one reason or another, so reader discretion is advised.

 23. House of a 1000 Corpses
A movie written and directed by shock-rocker Rob Zombie? Sign me up. Oh, it’s a carbon-copy of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and then loses all coherence mid-way through? NM GG. The visuals can get incontrovertibly weird and crazy at times, but the damage is done. This is crazy-uncle-that-no-one-talks-to-creepy, not necessarily shit-your-pants-scary which is what I assume he was going for. Thanks for trying, though. I enjoy that song you make where you kind of drone a monotone to an escalating guitar riff while you have random voice samples playing in the background…. Substitute Recommendations: Evil Dead/Army of Darkness, 28 Days Later, Not Attending Mr. Zombie’s Family Reunions.

24. Magical Mystery Tour
The Magic is non-existent but the Mystery is why the Beatles were allowed to produce so many boring and pointless videos back in the day. One of the most historically diverse and rockin’ bands in recent memory couldn’t assemble an interesting series of visuals if their fandom depended on it. I wasn’t even impressed with the Yellow Submarine animation, so I’m definitely not having the Fab Four boarding some bus and pulling over to occasionally dress up in stupid costumes. It seemed to work for the album covers, but a full-length film by them should be avoided at all costs. Otherwise, any semblance of respect for the legends will inevitably take a hit. Substitute Recommendations: Radiohead Music Videos, Pink Floyd The Wall, Drink your School Stay in Drugs Don’t Do Milk.

25. Batman and Robin
Besides reveling in the political machinations of how Schwarzenegger, the punny Dr. Frieze, could be Cauliflower governator with a track record of starring in some of Hollywood’s worst films, there is no reason to even look at the cover of this depressingly off-topic characterization of the Caped Crusader. ‘Bat-nipples’ and ‘Alicia Silverstone’ should truly play out better than this. Instead, everything is covered in ridiculous neon lights because when you think of Gotham City and emotionally scarred super-heros, you think of bright fucking neon lights. Thanks for being the campiest waste of the franchise to date, Batman and Robin, and for deliberately altering/obfuscating anything relevant to the series! Anyone who worked on this guano is probably too embarrassed to put it on their resume’. Substitute Recommendations: Batman Begins, Batman (1992 cartoon), Listening to Adam West Ramble as the Mayor of Family Guy.

26. The Tuxedo
Jackie Chan is an amazingly creative martial artist and I have a feeling he’s quite funny in his native tongue. Listening to him attempt English while starring in this turd, however, is not how this prestigious actor/fighter should be remembered. In this, he’s a chauffeur that puts on a cybernetic tuxedo that gives him crazy mobility and while it doesn’t match anything in his wardrobe, there’s some light ass-kickery and stuff and junk. Throw in a horrendously untalented Jennifer Love Hewitt as co-star and we have a real deal-breaker on our hands. Substitute Recommendations: The Legend of Drunken Master, Men In Black, Attempt a Jumpkick in a Suit without a Seam Splitting.

27. Sex and the City 2
I’ve already broken my own rules that I set for this article, but I’m not going to stop now. Sex and the City 2 gets flagged for being unexpectedly offensive and shallow using the show and the original movie as a watermark. In this galloping sequel, Horseface and crew go to the Middle East for no real reason, whore it up, and dress differently for each scene. You definitely get your quota of “1st World Problems” as always but the audacity of these pitiful bitches as they try to make a political statement is shameful at best. They’re aging terribly (except for that one chick) and I sought a reason why a woman could enjoy this chick flick…. but found none. Uncomfortable, uncomfortable excess and depravity. (Not the fun kind.) Substitute Recommendations: My Best Friend’s Wedding, Love Actually, Visit a Glue Factory and Dream.

28. The Cable Guy
You had me at “Oh Billlly”. Wrought with more obnoxiously oppressive humor than Dumb and Dumber and its sequel combined, this one clings to you like a communicable disease. It’s overly long and freaky, illiciting but a handful of nervous laughter from me when in reality I just wanted Carrey AND Broderick to go away. Jim loves speech impediments and this one takes center-stage, compensating for Brodericks lack of emotion with about three times your recommended dose of Carrey per film. (Me, Myself, and Irene is twice the dose.) Please consult a doctor before inflicting this film upon yourself. Substitute Recommendations: What About Bob?, Liar Liar, Slowly Noticing that Jim’s Real Voice Sounds like he is Wearing the Grinch/Mask Fake Teeth.

29. Toys
The concept is interesting, but even as a child I couldn’t appreciate the coupling of the silly Robin Williams with an entire movie dedicated to the conflict between out-dated toy designs and video games. The coolness exists with the idea that kids’ hand-eye coordination could be harnessed to pilot machines of destruction in other countries. While they think they’re racking up points in the latest shoot-em-up, they’re actually wreaking wanton destruction abroad. The failure is in the delivery, as the stark weirdness married too much Burton into something that failed to pick a real genre or even centerpiece of interest. And it has Joan Cusack. Substitute Recommendation: The first half of A.I., Good Morning Vietnam, Going Your Entire Life Without Having to See a Shirtless Robin Williams.

30. Hard to Kill
Steven Segal. I admit that this entry is just to lampoon this karate-chopping Choad, but the movie’s lameness is evident in even the limited excitement of pronouncing it’s title: Hard to Kill. I hate him and his ponytail, his acting inability and the fact that so many movies allowed him to participate. As the less attractive clone-brother of Robert Z’Dar, Segal ranks up there with all of the greatest martial idiots that I hated to see on the silver screen back in the ’90s: Van Damme, Norris, and all the rest. I love Executive Decision simply because they weirdly killed Segal off in like the first 15 minutes. *Initiate Slow Clap* Substitute Recommendations: True Lies, Heat, Look Up Will Sasso’s Impression of Steven Segal from Mad TV.

31. Scanners
I’m seriously running out of steam on this list, but let’s take a moment to appreciate Scanners. It’s a darkly serious sci-fi movie, a series even, about an underground movement of psychic individuals trying to take over the world. Unfortunately, the only movement it may incite is the ‘bowel’ type. People’s heads explode, and that is what the series is about. Heads explode, and more heads explode. I couldn’t tell if there was a real point to it all (I watched the god damn marathon), but heads exploding is certainly a mainstay of good cinema the last time I checked. It’s similar to how the Matrix trilogy was built on the foundation of Bullet-Time, except nothing notable ever occurs. Viewer beware. Substitute Recommendations: The Fly, District 9, Straining on the Toilet Until you get an Aneurysm.

32. Darkness Falls
Showing the “monster” in full light five minutes into the introduction of a movie does absolutely nothing for suspense. You have to “tease” the audience; that’s just Horror 101. Additionally, choosing the Tooth Fairy as the subject of said fear is just plain silly. If you take out the intrigue of the critter, you’re left with nothing but plot and writing…. which this genre is not known for and which this movie has a severe deficit of. Substitute Recommendations: The GrudgeShaun of the Dead, Getting Someone to Exchange Dollars for your Adult Teeth.

33. and 34. “The Incredibly Strange Creatures that Stopped Living and Became Crazy Mixed-Up Zombies” and “Monster A Go-Go!”
I’m a huge MST3K fan and must admit to a certain delectable joy from seeing some of their movies sans the witticisms from Mike, Joel, and the bots, stand-alone viewings of wonderfully terrible movies. I can claim Future War, The Last Sacrifice, Time Chasers, and Overdrawn at the Memory Bank as some of my favorite EPISODES, but there are two movies that are certifiably unwatchable, with or without commentary. TISCTSLABCMUZ and Monster A Go-Go! are easily the worst movies barring none and the least coherent things that I’ve ever seen, and I’ve traveled to the far corners of the internet and back. I don’t want to steal Manos: The Hands of Fate’s thunder, but there are at least two movies that put the terribleness of Manos to shame.

Well, that’s about it. I hope you learned something from my torturous recap of past experiences. There is some twisted part of me that wants validation for this list of awful movies, but it is assuredly not my humanitarian side. Each film listed in these volumes was legitimately painful and should be avoided at all costs! Thank you, and as always, be wary of the shit that the industry tries to pawn off as entertainment.

The media is YOUR slave. Vote with your wallet.

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