Hello, I’m in the market for a new phone. I would like to be able to call and text with it please. Internet access would be useful. Oh, and sometimes I entertain the idea of watching videos and maybe listening to some music on occasion, though I can’t really see myself doing that consistently…. Yes. All those things I mentioned, can you point me to a phone that does that? It’s very specific, I know. What?! ALL PHONES DO THOSE THINGS? Shirley, you jest? But then why would my peers go apeshit, touting the perks of their toys, broadcasting the ridiculous amount of money they spend on this finger-smudged piece of hardware with way-too-many icons?
Breaking my traditionally “rhetorical bullshit” form of article, I actually did some research on this. I found the following answers common in my focused study:
Phones are amazing pieces of technology.
Like a Clerk once said: We live in the fucking future. In a relatively short period of time, we apes have developed and mastered a hand-held device that captures video and sound, surfs the imaginary “series of tubes”, and can deliver this information instantly to almost all areas of our planet. It is widely available, portable, and operates on a self-contained energy source which processes data hundreds of times faster than our own limited brains. They connect the world and facilitate interactions with people that wouldn’t normally be able to do so, and are easy enough that even the most idiotic among us can customize one. BEHOLD!
People are materialistic and vain.
When humans have no substance, they tend to fill the personality/accomplishment-void with other things. They do this because they have no other way to maintain their fragile ego or the life they lead may prove to be starkly hollow. The items tend to be the most that they can afford, but are usually perceived as prestigious. You will continuously hear about what they bought because not only does it define them as a person, but because your reaction will inevitably reinforce their own self-evaluation. If you happen to look at someone, it HAS to be out of envy right? Obnoxious is not the same as Popular and these Vain people are rarely quiet. Oh and in this oxymoronic reality, spending less on the same product is shameful. Just FYI.
People are afraid of “falling behind”.
Life is fast and scary. And if you don’t adapt, you are passed by. Maybe it’s an evolutionary mechanism, but there are those who are absolutely driven to get the latest things. I’ve seen a tendency for these people to pride themselves on reciting techno-gibberish, even if they don’t understand it. They seem like they want to explore and understand their product and can be quite helpful on the odd occasion (which seems to fly in the face of the “evolutionary” theory), but they normally exist as hapless dupes who continuously fall for every product on release day. After all, an iPhone 4 is clearly superior to an iPhone 3. It says so in the numeral.
Advertisers have us in their pocket.
People are fiercely loyal to brands. They wear them. They drive them. They AREN’T the brand, but being seen with it is perceived as good in some infathomable way. Like serfs or vassals, people don a technological lord’s coat-of-arms, spending good money on run-of-the-mill merchandise only to walk around as human billboards. They aren’t paid, themselves, but they are instrumental to perpetuating the tyranny of well-known brands. It’s not enough that I can’t drive, watch tv, shop, or search the internet without seeing ads, but people get some sort of JOY out of being able to recognize logos and slogans and wear them proudly.
Some phones work better than others.
Different than those who are afraid of falling behind, there are technophiles who *gasp* know what the fuck they are talking about! They compare phones, not because it is hip or a status symbol, but because they actually USE the features! This is certainly a rare breed since phones are a morass of pointless options and retarded crap that most will never use…. THIS type of person is knowledgable, however, and IS informed. They often comparison-shop and can even MODIFY the equipment to suit their needs!…. If you ever lay eyes on one of these beautiful, near-mythical creatures in their natural habitat, do the species justice by snapping a photo and posting it to Instagram. #notDouchey #relevant #idealConsumer
I, myself, just got a new phone. Jaded by a Samsung whose touch-screen failed, ate batteries, and was used exclusively for frill-less talk and texting, I caved and bought the cheapest phone/plan from Virgin mobile that I could find. Unlike the Samsung (which met its penultimate end through the sudden, repeated, and forceful introduction to my garage’s concrete floor, the non-working singular piece of shit becoming a spray of non-working bits of silicon chips and various plastics) I’m seeing much to like from the new Virgin phone which is slick, small-ish, and easy to use.
There isn't a greasy faceprint because phones aren't used for calling.
Although there’s plenty of buttons to poke, however, I don’t see much in the way of mind-blowing features that justify the hype and fervor conjured by either the ads I see or the people that I hear. They’re still phones, despite what I’m lead to believe. It’s quite possible that my imagination stunts my enjoyment of these over-blown pieces of hardware, but I honestly see nothing that isn’t a game or available through an existing website. Having free mini-games and other software is awesome, don’t get me wrong, but app-makers are furiously pumping out these snippets of code that could quite easily be arranged into a more managable interface…. toggles or something, I dunno. What I’m left with is this feeling of disappointment and mild repulsion, like the Emperor is standing stark-nude in my palm, a blemish in the face of good sense that screams that there isn’t much here that didn’t exist even a decade ago. And yet the ads flow and the fans scream.
You have to spend your money on something, true. And you also have to get excited about SOMETHING in life, also true. Phones are just not my cup of tea, no matter how many appliances and vehicles and friends and pets that they interface with. I will continue to be perplexed by the obsession, and I will continue to use my REAL camera and my REAL gaming system and my REAL drawing tablet and my REAL drums and my REAL calculator and my REAL…. well you get it. A social misfit, maybe I’m simply missing out on the buzz because I don’t enjoy “sharing” my experiences with immediate friends. (Hell, I don’t even like online games for the most part.) Modern phones definitely have a handful of useful features that can organize, record, and broadcast your life…. but I’m just not seeing the difference. Don’t see the difference between now and the 2000’s. Don’t see the difference between this phone and the other. Don’t see the quality difference between their life and mine.
The capacity of cell phones ensures that any youtube-able opportunity never passes us by, that no crime goes un-recorded, that no ex-girlfriend will go unpunished. But I conversely feel that the technology is surpassing the need, and that the need is desperately trying to justify the want. Ultimately, our lives are destined to become more complicated and less private because of these inventions, but the public just can’t wait to get their hands on the latest version of something that exists for the sake of existing.
During an odd masturbation ritual, this man put 2 pagers down his pants.
The tech can only be as worthy as the operator, after all. You know that giant slab in Space Odyssey: 2001? The one the primitives are dancing around as they club things with bone tools? It’s an iPhone of the future. Won’t fit in any pocket, nor is it portable, but apparently the resolution is pretty good.
Smart phones for dumb people. Ooh ooh. Eek eek.