They’re not cute and they’re not adorable, but honey badger don’t care. Why it takes a lisping narrator to awaken my eyes to the awesomeness that is the honey badger will forever remain a mystery, but the honey badgers themselves are going right into the history books. The mythos surrounding these badass-gers are almost as rampant as Chuck Norris tales, but how would the tiny mammal’s actual facts stand up against the infamous Chuck Norris lies?

The Honey Badger is a member of the badger and skunk family, possibly even the weasel family according to one source. They are closely related to wolverines and martens, most of which are small animals with big attitudes.

There is no theory of Evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

The Honey Badger is a solitary nomad with no permanent home. They are known to excavate a hole in the ground with their powerful claws, stay for a day or two, and move on.

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris.

The Honey Badger can be both nocturnal and active during the day, stalking night-dwelling animals as well as daytime prey if hungry enough.

Chuck Norris doesn’t turn off the lights and sleep, he turns on the dark and waits.

The Honey Badger has an expansive and voracious appetite, eagerly defeating and consuming birds, fish, amphibians, reptiles, bee larva and their honey, other insects, scorpions, rodents, jackals, foxes, along with well-feared well-known snakes such as the Puff Adder and Cape Cobra. They also eat all manner of roots, berries, and bulbs when not killing animals.

Chuck Norris does not “hunt” because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

The Honey Badger is able to withstand enough snake venom to kill an elephant that is hundreds of times its size.

Chuck Norris was bitten by a Rattlesnake. After three days of excruciating suffering, the Rattlesnake died.

The Honey Badger is documented as being able to handle many bee stings at once. Regardless, the badger’s anal glands are reportedly able to fumigate a nest, thus causing the bees to flee or become immobilized.

Chuck Norris does not have a beard. Look closely. It is actually a hive of Africanized, killer bees.

The Honey Badger sometimes enlists an “Indicator Bird” who will find a hive before the honey badger rips the honeycomb apart and they both dine.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

The Honey Badger‘s only real threat is humans, whom have the advantage of guns. The badger’s loose, rubbery skin is useful for animal bites, but has reportedly been resistant to bullets.

Chuck Norris once fought Superman on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Male Honey Badgers have huge territories that overlap each other and may contain as many as 13 female badgers under their protection.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

The Honey Badger is not restricted by season and mates whenever it wants to. Males will impregnate several females and have no hand in raising their young.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month….

Honey Badger babies will be born after only 50 to 70 days and will strike out on their own once they reach one and a half years old.

Chuck Norris once made love to a tractor trailer and fathered Optimus Prime.

A Honey Badger lives fast and dies young, lucky to reach the age of 26.

Chuck Norris died many eons ago, but Death is too scared to tell him yet. He had too many Near-Chuck experiences.

The Honey Badger‘s skin and claws are used in traditional medicine and are believed to instill humans with the fearlessness and ferocity of the creature.

Chuck Norris‘s tears actually cure cancer, but Chuck doesn’t cry.

The Honey Badger thrives across the world, marking territories in south and west Asia and all across Africa in some of the toughest environments. They thrive in harsh scrublands and savannahs, as well as populated rainforests.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life.

All in all, Chuck Norris’s fables edge SLIGHTLY ahead of this particular strain of badger, but guess what? Honey Badger still doesn’t give a shit. I’ve got a feeling neither would back down in a confrontation and that the world would be scarred by the ensuing battle.

EDIT: Then again, Chuck Norris predicted 1000 years of darkness and Honey Badger voted Obama anyways.

Randall Narrates: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg