If God is perfect, how exactly can he “change” personality traits between the Old and New testament? Are there two versions of “perfect”? What kind of Paradise has this wrathful/benevolent being designed for when we die?

Humanity’s concepts of an Afterlife are varied and inconsistent, riddled with loopholes and non-sensical details. So many religions feel that they’ve nailed the description, though even the quintessential imagery of the “Fire and Brimstone” phrase has been misconstrued to be a depiction of Hell instead of appropriately applying to God’s wrath, itself. If we can confuse what Hell looks like in contrast to what God does to people who piss him off, how are we ever going to get the facts straight? Let’s discuss what we “know” so far….

What Heaven Looks Like:

“Pearly Gates”: this is a well-known Gated Communities sham for apartment owners who wish to dupe hapless applicants into imagining security and prestige (when all apartments seem to have them). Why are the gates for Heaven even present? Does that mean that the denizens of Hell can actively visit but are bounced by St. Peter? I’m assuming demons and angels have wings, so that may lend itself to a fully-realized “Pearly Force Field” to guard the air (unless roaming Blue Angels shoot down bogies). And Pearly is such a dubious adjective…. Are we talking God-y faux gates like with gold-plating? Real or not, that’s just tacky.

Heaven has been described to have whatever you wish whenever you want it, so if things aren’t simply materializing out of thin air, you might be looking at a working city, complete with transit systems, waste disposal (will we poop Holy Shit?), and city centers where I assume we will lounge and pretend to be entertained by lambs snuggling with Aslan. It has been promised that angelic music and trumpets will be present, so I’m assuming that the genres of music are a little limited and that the sound of choirs will permeate everything you visit, like muzak in an elevator. (You’ll probably learn to block it out.) Ultimately, I’m imagining a Willy Wonka-esque land of wonder, where you can eat/swim in everything, but with a lowered chance of needing to be pried from a drainage pipe by an Oompa Loompa.

Your angelic robes will also be crafted from your grandma's doilies.

What You Are in Heaven:

Do we even look like us anymore, a bipedal humanoid, or do we shake loose our physical trappings? If so, how would we recognize each other? Do we just “know”? Are we part of a grand consciousness, all lies transparent, all truths being known? All thoughts shared? Do we retain any semblance of self, or do we become one part of some kind of physical entity? Can we teleport, swim, fly, shapeshift, etc? Can we look like anyone or anything? Heaven has gates, so is there any kind of maintenance work to be done? Are there JOBS in this paradise and is it actually possible to be assigned a janitorial position? Christ Almighty, what if there are Cliques in Heaven, where you can be ostracized from different groups? That would be like if you weaseled your way into a fancy nightclub only to be denied access to the VIP lounge. If angels are humanity’s servants, will I (one of God’s Chosen) still have the weird feeling of tipping a disgruntled employee at a restaurant? Will there be identity crises in Heaven?

Alternatively, it’s entirely possible that we are transformed into something else: un-feeling, un-emotive carbon copies of template individuals with no want or desire. It might be phrased as “escalated beyond the need for such worldly pleasures”. As if “fun” was a useful idea only to Earth crawlers. This might be the worst fate of those listed.

What You Do in Heaven:

Long corridors of friends and family, apparently. Lights, harps, clouds. I’m bored just thinking about it. Do we sit around as beings of pure light, sipping chardonnay and recapping the brief amount of time we spent in our old lives…. for eternity? Good people enjoyed some pretty raunchy stuff, so I’m assuming everything is either no-holds-barred or stoicly restricted? One or the other. Are there topless angels flitting about with lines of cocaine or do we even need tangible stimuli at that point? Is God advanced enough to just create a panel of “need” buttons, where the want for lust is fulfilled when you slam your hand a couple of times? Is being in Heaven like the most euphoric drug binge imaginable, and can you turn it off?

For some reason, I just can’t imagine video game circuitry in the afterlife, unless coding is done with a Bewitched nose crinkle, but even then it feels like the visceral content would be censored. Does someone wave their arms around and you can play Tetris? Are pretty much all puzzles and brain teasers null and void up there? Are board games even fun if your compatriots have played a million times? Are physics similar enough to play sports, paintball, and jet skiing? Do you have to “train” in physical and mental activity to get better at something, or can we zap the skill into our skull a la Matrix? How many centuries can you spend playing Heaven-themed Monopoly or will it gather dust in Heaven’s broom closet? If we all adapt and grow, will competition be similar to the elitism of Korean tournaments, the afterlife “newbs” having an icicle’s chance in hell of winning? Or is everyone given a mundane skill-set (and an annual ticket for shoes), just enough to be pleased with, like some kind of Republican’s Communist nightmare?

I suppose we can rule out gladiatorial arena bloodfests.

How to Get to Heaven:

Well, the death part is fairly obvious and doesn’t seem like too much fun. Some roadmap directions are as vague as “lead a good life” while others are specific enough to name the use of zippers as a tool of the devil. Oddly, Rock wasn’t always the bastion of music that it is today and the pelvic shake of a young Elvis Presley was enough to inspire “evil” thoughts. Unless no one has been admitted to heaven since the 1950’s, it’s safe to say that God has gotten lax with the stiff requirements. But wouldn’t it suck if the rules had changed to meet a quota, that there were millions of people who weren’t grandfathered in at the appropriate time? They’re burning in hell because some asshole altered the criteria, making it easier for sinners to hit that lowering watermark.

Something else missing from the modern day religious structure is the monetary absolution of sins. Hundreds of years ago, you could literally buy a ticket to Heaven. Much later, they nerfed the practice by allowing ONLY guilt-free weekend passes. These could be purchased in advance and meant that you could whore it up as long as you gave the appropriate amount of money. Nowadays, you’re reportedly okay if you simply repent on your deathbed, which may seem like a game of roulette if you’re not exactly sure what version of God to repent to.

Bottom Line:

Our knowledge of Heaven is rudimentary at best. But with Biblical descriptions and “witness accounts” of traumatized near-death-experiencers, we can determine that clean Christian fun doesn’t always correlate to what we actually enjoy doing. This begs the question of “If what you get sent to Hell for is damnable, and damnable acts are not included in Heaven’s itinerary, does that make damnable acts non-existent in the Afterlife?”. This means that if you enjoy binge-drinking, promiscuity through multiple partners, “crazy weird sex” (assumption is non-Missionary), drugs, whole genres of music, explicit games and media, and most of anything cooked up on earth beyond butter churning while listening to Creed, you may not have an opportunity to do that shit again after you die. It would be contraband in Heaven and Hell won’t allow enjoyable things…. or will it?

Let’s now discuss what to expect when arriving “down there”….

This Article Continues in “Dissecting the Afterlife Part 2: Hell”