Well, the 12-year wait for a sequel is over and Diablo fans are dusting off their criticism caps for another jab at industrial snob Blizzard Entertainment. Blizzard as you may know, is the poorest, most under-funded, and most “indie” niche developer in the video game market due in no small part to the fact that they have created exactly 3 playable games (none of them popular) since their founding in the early 90’s. It would seem that these most recent gripes might prove to be substantiated, however, since pics of a special character class leaked from an internal source has yet to be discovered by even the most hardcore of nerdaholics stuttering their way through the various other classes and game modes.
That’s right. Even the very best of the most reclusive and lisping the nerds have to offer can’t seem to locate the hidden Unicorn class of fighter, known to have a demon-melting “Rainbow Fart” that is unique and unattainable by the current, playable list of mediocre characters. “I juth can’t find him!”, rages Morlock, the impromptu spokesperson of the Mole people (a subterranean race of dungeon dwellers based out of the Austin region). “When I heard that Blizzard wath ruining their own product’s graphics with bright and pretty colors and forthaking their bloody, demonic roots, I knew I had to intervene.” Morlock squints narrowly and hisses at the screen for the 47th time. “They actually did good.”, he says approvingly. “The graphicth are moody, have a broad range of environments, and are stylith and fitting to the subject nature. I feel like I’ve stepped into a foreboding oil painting!”, he exclaims clapping his cheeto-encrusted talons together. “But no Unicorn! I can’t find the freakin’ Unicorn!”
Slocking his way through the twisting, Hellish dungeons, knee-deep in gore and swinging his Sharp Double-Bladed Cleaver of Cleaving, Morlock demonstrates his typical search patterns. “I’ve been going at thith for weeks thraight.” A putrifying green liquid explodes from the innards of a corrupted demonspawn being cloven in twain. “Sure, I’m having loads of fun, a real throwback to the original game with the familiar localth of the second game, but if I don’t get my handth on a god damn farting Unicorn, I’m gonna be pithed…. again!” A small jabbering creature splatters the environment with blood, shrieking in its death throes. “Hoping it to be linked to a purchasable item, I’ve checked the real-money Auction Houthe every 10 minuths to no avail, even blowing thouthands and touthands of my hard-earned currency for naught! The only real drawback to my vigilanthe is that the dungeon reseth and I’ve got to remap the whole damn thing.” Spiny desert swimmers tear their way across the sands only to connect with our Interviewee’s readied blade, the creature’s ambush being only the precursor to a mobile horde of fleet-footed cat archers, twanging their bows in succession as an electric moth swooped out of some nearby brush and started launching acidic insects our direction. “Ith just ridiculoth to be promised thomething and get abtholutely nothing in return.” A hulking brute’s chest caves in on itself. “I’m a paying and educated cuthtomer. I can’t be expected to research gameth I buy when they releathed information about a pothible feature over a year ago! Blizzard oweth me, mainly becauthe I bought, played, and casually enjoyed a game they made before the last decade! I’m a loyal fan, make no mithtake.”
It was about this time that the actions Morlock’s avatar attempted to make stuttered and finally resulted with the bloody collapse of his hero, a drop in framerate causing the lone and modest creature who killed him to dance about in a series of photographic stills. “Exthcuthe me.”, Morlock seethed, his ruddy face becoming a deep shade of purple. “The thingle-player thervers are failing again and I need to catch up on thome thleep.”
With the complete exclusion of a playable Unicorn character overshadowing the beautifully mood-setting environments, new and dynamic character builds, realistically engaging cinematics, genuinely fun and streamlined gameplay, as well as being an homage sticking as close to the classic formula as possible, Blizzard obviously has some explaining to do. The only response we received however was, “Are you kidding? That was released as a joke. Excuse me, I’ve got some pirates to castrate and money to count. We might fix the servers if enough people complain, though the feedback concerning the matter has been relatively light, if any.”