Thoughts of the Month – December 2013

12/31/2013: What better way to ring in the new year than senseless death to your neighbors? And we ain’t even a middle eastern country! Huzzah! Falling Bullets Kill as we’ve been re-reminded but the inadvertent homicides continue. Stay far from those windows kiddies; Texans are either too dumb to comprehend the message or don’t care (not sure which is worse) and the rat-tat-tat of under-regulated weapons is only half as fun as colorful fireworks. My 2014 resolution: don’t murder peoples I’ve never met.

12/30/2013: If Mary Kay cosmetic sales WAS a pyramid scheme (and I’m not saying it isn’t a sophisticated one) what’s the endgame? Would inferior blush and face-burning lotions be pushed upon the scant survivors who didn’t enlist? What if all of America joined, launching pink Cadillac owners into the forward echelons of ecstasy, bonuses aplenty. What then for those on bottom without people to sign? Do we launch rockets with half-naked Davinci anatomy and Mary Kay brochures to the far reaches of space?

12/29/2013: God created supervision because no man can judge his own actions objectively. Corporations employ supervisors because the world has no other use for the most obtuse, empty-headed among us.

12/28/2013: That “RX” thing you see related to drug stores? It’s wrong! An X is generally used to represent a “scriss” or “scri” sound evidenced by it’s use in the abbreviated “Xmas” (NOT anti-religion). But that’s beside the point. The “R” is actually a “P”. As in “PX” (doctor shorthand for Prescription), which has historically been seen beside bogglingly abstract medical signature cryptograms. So the next time there’s an HEB Pharxmacy sign, call it what it is: Fap-Christmas-y. Which is indeed ridiculous.

12/27/2013: Additionally furthermore…. Motionflow sucks. Get over it. Imma go all Ian Malcolm for a sec: “….but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should!” Motionflow is a lever, a lure, to gloat over your peers’ subjugated televisions but by no means should be activated unless you want flippin’ velociraptors bypassing door handles through glass windows and being generally “clever girls”. Take us home Ian- “huh huh ha harrr, har huh ha huh harrrr”

12/26/2013: Furthermore…. gaming is a unique experience. It needs to be impressive while remaining smooth. I’d actually prefer a consistent 30 fps than a stuttering, jarred play session with 60 fps spikes amid the glaring lows. Kudos on the brute force Sony, but I hope you’re using this spectacle to drive Xbox’s coffin nails. Just don’t get me started on the retarded “Motionflow” setting that all public televisions are seemingly required by law to assault my eyes with. It looks cheap and bad. Real bad.

12/25/2013: Frames Per Second is by no means the benchmark for good game design, but the PS4’s raw power kicks the pants off the XBone versions whose reps backpedal with statements like “it’s not about the graphics”. How are you going to sell an [inferior] next-gen console with a line like that? All that new consoles offer is appreciating technical prowess with similar game types. I’ll buy neither console for years but that’s such a losing argument that I flinch for Microsoft every time their PR takes a swing.

12/24/2013: “The Whale” is an innocuous documentary that, contrasting “Black Fish”, demonstrates the range of human capacity in tandem to evoking a long ‘squee’. Imagine this: A baby orca separated from its familial pod, “raised” by a seaside logging community whom find a playful companion so eager to belong that it literally can’t be separated from humans until the government and indian tribes clash over its safety. As an observer says, “Everyone stargazes for aliens when intelligent life is already here.”

12/23/2013: It’s embarrassing. I’ve heard the commercial so many times, even confused it with Zales on occasion (which one has the shadow people again?). After 20 years of their logo, their motto, their brand being impressed upon my impressionable forehead through directly televised marketing, that sole phrase repeated over and again in the exact advertisement regurgitated ad nauseum until I felt nauseous, I finally understand. I get it now. “Every Kiss begins with Kay’s”…. It’s a “K”- a literal letter “K”.

12/22/2013: Photoshop shenanigans. The actual products are expensive enough but when I go to buy the latest iteration, I find Adobe patents a service now. One may log in and lease the thrice-damned assortment of abilities to edit photos, compose, and paint original creations through their server (which I read to have its fair share of grievances). This is all fine and good as an option; might even be preferable for some freelancers. But they no longer even sell Photoshop! Amazon it is then. Good morrow, sir.

12/21/2013: The bird-bombers are yet a singular reason why I’m not to enjoy sleep. “Uh, they’re seeing their reflection in the window Mike.” Shut up, strawman I’ve erected. If YOU saw a person running, it’s only natural to collide head-on right? No, just as it’s non-sensical for them to play chicken with my closed drapes. This is why I propose that these creatures are stupid, and should be forced to clean the bits of twine, cotton, fabric mesh, yarn, and Styrofoam chunks their nests scatter about my yard. Fuck birds.

12/20/2013: A thudding CRACK rouses me from my slumber, invoking half-dreamt visions of zombie alien invaders manifesting the real world. Was it the real world? That noise? Or something other? No, my pets heard it too. That hollow resounding ringing clear, like the innards of a drum. The window! Something was thrown against the window! But no evidence, no carcass, no trace save the dusty imprint of a wrecked bird against an outer pane. The neighborhood cats carried this one off, just like the others.

12/19/2013: The act of yawning has many controversial theories. While it equalizes pressure and refreshes senses -alerting an organism to possible hazards- it’s been argued that group yawning is triggered by empathy towards others, and I add that this could be an evolutionary step towards mental competition. Weirdly, autistics lack this sympathetic yawning but even stranger: yawning has been linked to the convective thermal venting of our craniums, similar to ice cream causing brain freezes by mouth.

12/18/2013: Love means not getting your way, despite knowing your partner’s weaknesses.

12/17/2013: I ask Santa for coal so nobody is certain how bad I’ve been. Besides, a chunk of fossil fuel is more practical than a single-use DVD of some second rate comedian attempting a comeback. The DVD provides screen filler until the relatives abandon town while the coal guarantees your snowballs hurt the most, defaces brick walls, and can smash the local oil magnate’s window. This also ensures a second lump to be delivered the following year to complete an authentic snowman.

12/16/2013: Older culture is inevitably replaced by the newer as standard but while the United States emerges from its infancy -a maturation of policy and people- the “controlling” age of society’s tendencies feels to have lessened. Despite extending longevity, youth is preferred and contrasts the diminishing stodginess from mere decades ago. Maybe a combination of targeted advertising, youthful thinking, political participation, tech savviness, and the freedoms of the internet connotes this sense.

12/15/2013: When I take a piss, I become a super-villain whom slices the haplessly floating toilet paper in twain, my stream criss-crossing mercilessly with the glee of some kid wielding total control over an insect beset upon by glass walls. “Do you expect me to talk?”, squeals the squares of compressed wood pulp flitting the bowl, bubbly death gurgles drowning out the pitiful pleas at pith before being cut to ribbons. A wasted effort. “No, Mister Charmin. I expect you to FLUSH.”

12/14/2013: Kudos to my Chase bank, however, in responding to the “Rich Man’s Walmart” betrayal of trust. They nixed the compromised card, reissuing one within the week, sending email updates all the while. This almost makes up for Chase’s part in the economic downturn of the last decade. If massive businesses took the blame for catastrophes more routinely, they might martyr themselves into publicity-focused idols of good consumer service (to match their flowery, outlandish mission statements).

12/13/2013: Target’s seasonal credit card freeze/scare/panic/fiasco was a timely crisis for the Christmas spirit, limning the joy of giving with the horror of being stolen from. This underlines, highlights, boldens, and paints glittery MySpace unicorns over a fact that should be talked about: Our personally sensitive data passes through too many hands, whom won’t get caught should they plan their maligned disgruntledness with patient foresight. Makes me wonder how often this happens in small-scale situations.

12/12/2013: This week (in March-ish 2014-ish), Master Bay-stinator released concept shots of his TMNT attempts at eradicating the last vestiges of their popularity. Y’know, for the Green. Truly, the man is damned even should he “do right” but I must say the models are inspired…. even if their roided limb-trunks look too Gears of War. I forget if the Turtles’ tactics were ninja or even samurai in nature, but whatever. Sometimes I’m not sure if I prefer a refinement of my classic interests or a new spin on old concepts.

12/11/2013: There’s a Lego MOVIE now?! It’s mindfuck enough that video games based on toy blocks based on other movies was a thing, but to incorporate a cohesion of story when Legos don’t even own their own characters is crazy with a capital “cray cray”. Snobs will tell you: “Lego” is plural btw, as in “Blocks of Lego”. Good luck with that. And good luck getting me to give their inevitably popular-taining movie a chance beyond knee-jerk derision. Does anyone PLAY with the blocks these days?!

12/10/2013: I find it odd that we’re one of few social species that don’t groom each other. Look, I’m not pro-clipping Tony’s toes, shaving Davey’s back, or de-lousing Nancy’s nape, but cats and chimps keep each other respectable out of respect of their respective cultures. Out of necessity, out of love. It’s not like I wish to brush Barb’s teeth, pluck Joe’s nose, and pop Peter’s pimples – No, just no. And for argument’s sake, Vietnamese salon’s don’t count. You pay to be ridiculed behind your back, to your face.

12/09/2013: The Luddites have taken over The Learning Channel (The Luddite Channel?); so what more do we have? PBS? Pffft. When shock value and stooping expectations attract larger audiences than grade schoolers abandoning remotes to text BFFs about ignoring homework in the other room (thus [accidentally] leaving unmonitored televisions on TLC), how can brain cells compete? Is *shudder* NPR the new definitive source for classy edutainment now? But…. pictures? Noooo. X[

12/09/2013: A ticket salesman extraordinaire in the guise of your common mailman constructed a soapbox smack upon my job’s productivity goals. No thank you; I’m being polite. Yes, I’ve heard of the Wizard of Oz. No, it sucks. I do not believe the assertion that Wicked is so good that it plays a single city for 1/3 the normal admission. Okay, I’ll think about it. Okay, I thought about it. Please leave. Oh God, the mail carrier is actually producing mail. Please don’t retrieve pamphlets from your truck. Someone bar the door.

12/08/2013: Things School taught us Wrong #459: Humans have solely 5 Senses. (Shyamalan had it right?) Sight, Sound, Taste, Smell, Touch…. More exist like sense of Temperature, Awareness of limbs and Position, sense of Tension, Balance, Weight, Depth, Distance, sense of Acceleration, Speed, Hunger, Thirst, Stretch Reception in distended organs, Magnetism, Time, etc. Basically, you might count between 10 and 30 physical readings, discluding supernatural ones like Lady Intuition and Spidey Sense.

12/08/2013: The idea of Democracy is a pretty big assumption. Let alone agreement, much less a concensus, the placement of trust towards interested participants to achieve the greater good by majority is foreshadowed by the counteractive forces of ambition, evil, and willful ignorance. Thank goodness we actually live in a Republic, amirite? (Just don’t tell the 3rd world nations we impose governments upon.) Oh, and true Communism doesn’t exist. Just sayin’. Wait, what were we supposed to fear again?

“Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time.” -E. B. White (Thanks E. B.; that’s some good fear to ponder.)

12/07/2013: Do we dress nicely to make ourselves feel professional, better “suit”ed for the occasion as it were? Or do we blow cash on flimsy, flammable torso adornments so that others bear no witness to the unkempt, hairy, sloping figure of a bipedal man ape concealed by Frankenstein’s prestigious Amalgamation (TM) clothing line founded on Target’s cheapest, drabbest limb drapers and rounded by an expensive blazer centerpiece [hopefully] drawing eyes from stark, under-funded realities underpinned by perfunctory appearance norms? And why can’t we lift our arms in suit jackets?

12/06/2013: Walmart embezzled my trust somewhere in that PS3 story. See they had 12gb models and I bought a unit out of desperation, with intention-to-return in lieu of a better deal online. So I order the 250gb one bundled with The Last of Us – only 50 bucks more, in fact…. But the megamart sold out a week prior and the double confirmation equated to 3 returns made in-person at a store across town. My favorite part: a rep didn’t know the 1-800 number, which I correctly guessed as 1-800-Walmart.

12/05/2013: My trusty PS3 bit the dust. I loved it oh so much and yet even with internet tutorial, I couldn’t extend its life longer than 3 weeks. With tear streaked eyes I disassembled my friend, applied thermal paste to the CPUs, heat-gunned the shoddy soldering of first gen systems, and stroked seven years worth of graying skin flakes from its failing innards. We had shared those skin flakes. Alas, the fun wasn’t meant to persist on this damnable stage of cruel unfairness. So I bought a PS3 slim (not a PS4).

12/04/2013: With all the Hispanic women named “Concepcion”, I’m surprised there aren’t more named “Immaculate” to commemorate the pre-bearded savior. It’s bewildering enough that all San Antoine-ians know of Jesus (Gee-Zus), yet not a single man pronounces his own name that way. I mean, (Hey-Zeus) is a completely different Pantheon. On the subject, I’m curious why people even bother praying to Saints given the Omnipresence-ability of the Holy Trinity. Heaven’s overflow too much to handle?

12/03/2013: This TotD arrives on the coat tails of February but the weather is still cold dog shite so it counts. It’s not like our collective actions are collectively remembered 30 years down the line (not unless you’re curing cancer or marketing the ill-promised jetpack) so I’m afraid the flying fat rat’s ass will go unnoticed and not a single fuck would be given on this particular day – March 4th for the contestants at home. This typed garbage is a thought, and the sun was shining earlier in this 24 hour period. So there.

12/02/2013: In retrospect, Disney’s Cinderella has a violently forceful king. It wasn’t enough the monacled archduke was threatened with the ubiquitous “throat slit” movement should the yawning prince not propose to a stranger that night, but his bed-bouncing outburst was an outright attack borne from delusioned collusion with the prince…. alluding to the realm’s coercion at every turn. Sending black horseman with scimitars drawn to retrieve a fleeing, unwillful blonde is further evidence.

12/01/2013: I shudder at the thought of human larva wailing and drooling until their pupal stages kick in. For that reason, I’m privy to the preliminary research for adoption. Just a few facts to toss at ya: There are over 1.2 million Chinese kids left after 65% get adopted (and the number is worsening yearly). The world average of unadopted children is 1 in 5, and it costs loving homes around 30,000 to “buy” one of them internationally. I wonder if the new LGBT movement will affect these stats for the better.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *