Thoughts of the Month – June 2014

6/30/2014: Moustaches are stupid from both a biological standpoint and a trending one because reasons. How better to trap food particulate around an orifice for late night snacks (or to rot indefinitely)? Does my lip need warmth what with all the pulsing faceblood? I thought the head was prime victim for heat loss, so why do most go bald? And in this culture it’s trashy to grow moustaches but irredeemably fashionable (trash-ionable?) to adorn disembodied whiskers on purses, buttons, shirts, and random shit?

6/29/2014: Every American is unpatriotic because they despise their very neighbors. The “them”, the “others”. When we make war with ourselves, inciting riots and reflexively disagreeing because of the mode of delivery, wouldn’t it be appropriate to label it as such: Unpatriotic? Until the flames of a house divided die down maybe we’ll squat on the couches of indian reservations, conveniently left from maps of America’s seeming solidarity (the U.S. appropriately resembles swiss cheese). Think they’d mind?

6/28/2014: Libertarianism, the absolute freedom for an individual to do what they want, is a terrible idea. Of course I WANT the ability to punch douchebags in the throat with a bat, but the attractive idea of anti-libertarianism is that people are afraid to do this to me. It’s outrageous to protect the weak? Well, how about the Unsuspecting? I’d prefer a world where my nerves aren’t frazzled from keeping my guard up to browse fruit at the communal grocery store (given they even exist in a world of reckless impulses).

6/27/2014: A concept in the “Addicted to Plastic” documentary intrigued me: “landfills will be the oil wells of the future”. This references the mining of “nerdles” -plastic’s building blocks- from our huge garbage fields, like some massive untapped resource. Despite our best efforts, only about 5% of a billion pounds of plastic gets truly recycled…. leaving tons of the stuff to be imported by other countries whom process and craft in other ways. Note to self: investigate “fluff”, an unsorted garbage compost.

6/26/2014: Workout clothes are now fashion. I suppose as long as they trick others into thinking they’re aimed at self improvement, the distinct manatee shape defined by a person’s ass shrink-wrapped in lycra atop exposed cankles matters little. The actual commitment of sweating in said clothing is less important than accentuating every misshapen bulge after all, the visuals exceeding even Jenga’s proclivity for top-heaviness. Don’t get me started on those who gracelessly cattle-stomp in high heels.

6/25/2014: Video Games affect me in strange ways. Sure they’re the perfect conduits for my aggression, logic, and exploration needs but if I play too long…. things happen. When I was younger, I once hallucinated that Tetris blocks cascaded from the ceiling of my reality after an extended play session. It was like 3am, but that doesn’t explain why I’m in a distinct mood to speed after several hours of Gran Turismo. I recently caught myself thinking: “Man, the lighting FX in this restaurant are realistic.”

6/24/2014: The irony was not lost that Bob Marley’s “No Woman No Cry” wooed the dim room while we administered catnip to two pairs of perked ears. Dusty and Chester eagerly batted at the plastic sack, subsequently performing every attempt possible to meld with the sweet seduction of a carpet laced with good vibes. Every high begets a low though. They soon turned upon the other, biting and clawing for privilege to roll in a substance, eventually running off to abandon what gave them joy in the first place.

6/23/2014: If an actor behaves like himself in a movie, is he still acting? “Pretending” sure, but the more I dwelled on the subject the less inclined I was to believe it (mildly de-emphasizing lines, here). Let’s say we’re casting a Rom-Com and need an adorably benign flake for a male lead with an accent to invoke sophistication. No, not Will Ferrell! Hugh Grant, right? (Is THIS your card?!….) Hugh Grant’s capable of Hugh Granting it up for a role as Hugh Grant. Some call it typecasting, but hey…. the kettle is still black.

6/22/2014: The original Star Trek presented profoundness in “A Taste of Armageddon”. Because a planet ironed out the horrors of war (rubble, suffering, destruction of culture) they had no impetus to negotiate peace. Their buildings shined immaculate, air free of soot, the distinguishing feature of limitless conflict evident in computers linked to their opponents in tallying hypothetical losses. They’d then vaporize their own civilians in an organized and painless fashion. War without atrocities became no longer objectionable.

6/21/2014: A harmless diversion I’ve discovered is to add the word “literally” to the end of movie titles, thus deflating any tension implied through clever naming. For best results, emphasize your supplement in the tone adopted by that super-serious trailer narrator: “Hard to Kill…. Literally”, “Apocalypse Now…. Literally”, “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels…. Literally”, “No Country for Old Men…. Literally”, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind…. Literally”, “There Will Be Blood…. Literally”, “Hellraiser….”

6/20/2014: I’m curious if multi-limbed critters like spiders, octopi, and Rosie O’Donnell have favored appendages like people do. In the manner my left arm’s throwing technique/power is outmatched by an anemic girl scout surrounded by a cloud of bees, maybe six extra snakes hanging from your torso or four additional sticks jutting from your thorax feels downright unwieldly. However superfluous, it can’t prove more awkward than navigating an American round-about in a shopping mall for the first time.

6/19/2014: “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” Past tense, future narrator amirite? As in the history marquee preceding each flick hasn’t occurred? Or were the clods correct, that some human species parallel in the recesses of space just happened to evolve Han Solo while Earth squeezed out an Indiana Jones? Only Star Trek had such abundance of bipedal, fleshy humanoids who spoke English -or so I believed-, once-negating the idea that Star Wars is our descendant vs. estranged cousin.

6/18/2014: McDonald’s new mascot is crazy. But kudos to management for stepping it up, assembling a scarecrow of sorts to frighten off potential michelin-kids in the making. I mean the decision to eat healthier is all the easier when you wed the worst parts of Annoying Orange to an anthropomorphic, blood-red box in unholy matrimony. And then labeling it: Happy. “I don’t want to be happy, Mommy….” Laugh as I might, this snafu might be a slight upgrade from the universally cherished and totally non-scary clown?

6/17/2014: Nazis and zombie outbreaks are such prolific bad guy fodder that it’s no wonder they’re overused due to a near-universal love of hating them. I mean what else would FPSs eliminate in unlimited waves of guiltless target practice? Aliens are an easy solution -with varying sizes and shapes- as are robots, all of which illicit the elation of obliterating xenophobic threats without pangs of regret. But are there subjects beyond this tiresome scope? Dinosaurs? Mutant bugs? The KKK? Galactic prisoners? Clones?

6/16/2014: 7 miles at its deepest and measuring 1,580 x 43 miles, the Mariana Trench is 120 times bigger than the Grand Canyon. Water at those depths exerts over 1000 times the atmospheric pressures of sea level, forcing our beloved H2O to take up 5% less space. Geologically, the sea floor contains some of the oldest obtainable samples because of their slow oceanly trek westward spanning millions of years. And the trench has 10cm amoebas. Makes me want to watch “The Abyss” again.

6/15/2014: “Double-jointed” is a misnomer of course. It’s not that some are born with reticulated second-wrists that allow the thumb to touch forearm, or quadruple knees which bend and flex at unholy angles. (That level of genetic deformity might yield new forms of bigotry.) There is, however, a more applicable term: hypermobility. And the next time you hear someone say the words “triple-jointed” to denote their superiority over unusual flexibility, you have my permission to dislocate their jaw as penitence.

6/14/2014: I feel a fool for missing its theatrical debut but Pacific Rim rocket-punched its way into my list of favorite action movies. (Once the paralyzing numbness wears off, I’m positive I’ll be able to recall other action movies.) This succinct battle royale has everything you need: mechs. And aliens. And more mechs. It’s so complete and visually stunning that I’m uncertain whether GlaDOS’s cameo escalates my opinion of the perfect pacing and mind-blowing CG. How did they manage to cram in originality?

6/13/2014: I have canine teeth and intend to use them. But despite biology’s vehement argument that we’re engineered to participate in the circle of life, I don’t see any compelling reason we must be particularly cruel about testing makeup, growing livestock, and neutering neighborhood animals. It’s a shame we can’t remain humane to members of our own species, otherwise those calves might not be raised in pens to render their meat unnaturally supple to our distinguishingly barbaric taste buds.

6/12/2014: On that note, vegans/vegetarians could very well be misrepresented by an obnoxiously vocal substrate of their minority, but their practices emulate religion in both temporality and directive at the individual’s discretion. The whole idea is to take a stand for other creatures’ voiceless subjugation, but ends up an “a la carte” menu of righteousness. It takes dedication and admirable resolve, sure, but no two will agree on the consumables of fish, leather, honey, eggs, milk, cosmetics, or bone-charred sugar.

6/11/2014: Why is vegetarianism more noble than eating meat anyhow? We can all agree that plants are living, but just because they don’t possess similar characteristics to us allows trendy fads to assume the moral high ground. Am I to extrapolate that alien life forms without a face -once discovered- are fair game? Will we then arrange ourselves into two groups: ones who wholeheartedly devour extra terrestrials and the others pretending to be repulsed when sufficient bystanders are within earshot?

6/10/2014: Ever heard the lie that nothing rhymes with “orange”? Grunge, lunge, plunge, expunge, and sponge work. Hinge, binge, singe, and syringe do too if you’re pronunciation is salty. To be fair to debunked myths, however, the deep south’s “or’nge” likely has no rhyming counterpart…. Onward to the challenges of Silver and Purple!

6/09/2014: I’m 31 and still having that dream where you can’t find your locker for what seems the length of a school day. Thought for certain this distraction would phase out faster than the Third Eye Blind soundtrack accompanying my hallways of crowded students shuffling with purpose. The harder I try, the more it loops back around on weird shit: aquariums, cereal aisles…. stuff that typically hampers English study. Surprisingly, salvation arrived with imagining a map tucked into my backpack. And there it was.

6/08/2014: Brand new, 21st century vehicles roll off the assembly line with the lofty fuel efficiency of 10 miles per gallon. Oh, how do we sleep at night?! You think I’m shitting on gas guzzling trucks? Well, you’re partially right. But since high performance Italian sports cars like the Bugatti Veyron or the ostensibly highbrow machinations of Bentley, Aston Martin, Rolls Royce, and Ferrari don’t fare much better, let the finger waggling target those without a bed to haul beer cans, a tire, and day laborers for once.

6/07/2014: It’s generally known that Goodwill is a for-profit corporation, right? Donations that aren’t outright thrown get redistributed to community packrats at triple a scratched pan and smelly jacket’s market value, leaving a comfortable margin for the hierarchy to glean hundreds of thousands of dollars and pay grunts less than minimum wage. Great tactic though, falsified company titles. My own personal store chain will be named “For Charity” (a bigger lie than “Best Buy”). It’ll go over like gangbusters. Gangbusters.

6/06/2014: NPR’s “Science Friday” reveals that even gray concrete can be exciting. The idea is that mother nature appreciates man’s construction efforts like a fat kid appreciates wind sprints so with the assumed end goal of turning highways to quasi-sentient ribbons, scientists have developed self-healing building materials. Through both microcapsule coating or concrete-pooping bacterium, the technology exists for surfaces to patch their own boo-boos and ouchies. And that is freakin’ amazing.

6/05/2014: I read the Hobbit a decade ago and barely recognize it as a preamble to the epic masterpiece that is the Lord of the Rings trilogy. At the time I found it quaint, simple, and quite simply a children’s tale wielding light entertainment and a conclusive plot to put young’uns to bed with. The Hobbit is not some self-fluffing yawnfest spanning the breadth of LotR, nor is it tailored as a lore bible whose depths can be plumbed for maximum financial gain. No wonder Bilbo looked absolutely ragged in Fellowship.

6/04/2014: You may have not heard “hands at 10 and 2” (a phrase denoting steering technique with clock numerals) in a while. Likely because it’s no longer valid (or you’re not 16). An airbag deployment can cause real harm to arms and more, greater if wearing jewelry or if the thumbs become hooked on the wheel. Should you possess less flexibility than a wacky-waving-inflatable-arm-flailing-tube-man outside a mattress sale blowout, consider the positioning of “9 and 3”. Fair warning. Oh, and piercings….

6/03/2014: Once ridiculed as myth fit to terrorize seagoing galleons and a place filler on -hilariously distorted- 14th century maps, instances of the giant squid wash ashore annually. Unsatisfied with merely 70% of the world’s surface, it’s terrifyingly clear that these 46′ long beasts will sucker-punch our bipedal empire in a bid to topple it. Our only hope is combat-hardened sperm whales whom (after we stop laughing) will live up to their reputation of ringed wounds to perform glorious battle with those staring invaders.

6/02/2014: Edward Snowden’s full interview with Brian Williams on NBC is a must-see. Once you stomach the intrusiveness of the show’s TV ads you’ll be appalled at the intrusiveness of intelligence-gathering capabilities. Now, I’ve followed the unraveling NSA story and seen our government blurring the distinctions between “whistle blower” and “traitor”, but I was most shocked in learning of analysts’ duties to monitor the typing, deletion, and pauses of a subject’s wording in an effort to dissect their thoughts.

6/01/2014: The water that flushes your toilet is clean enough for consumption. It better be…. since it’s also channeled through every indoor and outdoor faucet of your home. Had this fact been enough to sustain most citizens, the $11 billion bottled water industry wouldn’t be so lucrative. (“Purified water” could mean your local grocery store produces it out back.) But even when the label says “spring” or “glacier” you may not be drinking as advertised. If you dare, research your preferred water of choice. See how that goes.

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