{"id":3116,"date":"2015-12-24T19:47:06","date_gmt":"2015-12-25T00:47:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/wordpress\/?p=3116"},"modified":"2015-12-25T10:45:54","modified_gmt":"2015-12-25T15:45:54","slug":"mission-interplanetary-license","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/mission-interplanetary-license\/","title":{"rendered":"Mission: Interplanetary License"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"2015-06-19_00003\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman (Aspiring\u00a0Scientist):<\/strong><\/span> I have a DREAM. A dream to someday walk on that which I’ve merely\u00a0seen and nary\u00a0touched. One day, someday,\u00a0I shall tread upon that gray\u00a0orb hanging intangibly low in Kerbin’s majestic sky, ever-present since our ancestors first crawled from the seas, an inspirational symbol\u00a0of hope since time\u00a0immemorial. The MUN!! A place no one else can reach!<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong><\/span> No, no, no, we’ve been<\/em> to the Mun already.\u00a0Last week in fact. Your cousin left a flag, remember? Remember? Every\u00a0Kerbal\u00a0knows of Jebediah Kerman’s unparalleled success as the least\u00a0inadequate Mun\u00a0pioneer.<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong><\/span> THEN I SHALL\u00a0DRIVE<\/em>\u00a0UPON IT!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"2015-12-23_00003\"<\/a> Mission Control:<\/strong><\/span> We don’t want to brag, but this craft is\u00a0perfect<\/em> for that task -the very best our enthusiastic, knuckle-dragging, glossy-eyed race can scrap together with sheet metal found discarded at the edge of our curiously absent civilization hubs!<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong><\/span> That’s comforting.<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>Not only can\u00a0the rover detach\u00a0beneath\u00a0the lander via magnets, but there are stabilization thrusters between\u00a0the wheels which\u00a0puff\u00a0bursts\u00a0of hopping power for\u00a0docking and undocking (also useful if you happen to flip the darn thing). Never mind that your escape velocity requires the crew to catapult upside down at more than 2 kilometers a second….<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong><\/span> My poor head! It’ll swell!<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>No one will know\u00a0the difference.<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-22_00005\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>Please also forget that our\u00a0prototype test flights to the\u00a0easier, less dense celestial\u00a0body\u00a0-Minmus- exposed such huge structural flaws that caused the landing gear to disintegrate upon impact, crushing\u00a0the return thrusters, evaporating the spare fuel, and effectively obliterating the internal instruments and sensitive cargo to\u00a0smithereens. -kaBLAM!! SPLAT!!-<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

(Nothing like that ever, ever happens twice nosiree.)<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-22_00020\"<\/a>
\n<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>No, the same disaster never happens\u00a0twice. Take my word for it…. or would it be “words”, since I\u00a0spoke\u00a0a number of them\u00a0there? Haha, semantics! What fun!<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-22_00009\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>See, on Minmus the tests were eventually fine.<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-22_00016\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:\u00a0<\/strong><\/span>Oh dear.<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-27_00001\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>I had my doubts but you engineers really know how to iron\u00a0out the kinks. This tin bucket\u00a0landed like\u00a0a charm. I’m on the Mun! I’m on the Mun! I’m driving on the Mun! I could explore for hours…. Soil samples, rock formations, astronaut reports, geological\u00a0surveys, [barometric pressure results], temperature readings, mystery goo! Goodness, there is so much to see and do for a budding professional like myself.<\/p>\n

For science, and beyond!<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-27_00002\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong><\/span> DESPAIR!!<\/p>\n

Why did you let me wander\u00a0to the northern pole, Mission Control; I’m a whole hemisphere away from my origin! You know I can’t help but explore every zone and crater. The lure of science is too great not to just collect every decimal point and send it back to you all. *sigh* And despite the stabilization rods, this electric death trap\u00a0slips and glides all over the place with reduced traction.\u00a0At\u00a01\/5th Kerbin’s gravity it’s absolutely out of control down the slightest inclines! However will I return to my lander craft?<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong><\/span> *yawn* Ah, so sorry. It was our collective naptime over here. (It would be insane of us to operate daily without rest.) What were you saying?<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>Nevermind, I’ll do it myself….<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-28_00002\"<\/a>
\n<\/a><\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong><\/span> I’ll just…. run, jump, and….*whoOOP* RCS Thrusters! Backpack of power take me hoooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMEEEeeeeeekkkk!! It’s, it’s so FAR! Half my pack to generate the…. speed. And…. half…. to slow…. down!! AAAAUUUUGHHH-oof-ouch-blast-rotten-ugh-squeak-biff-pow….<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-28_00008\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>My swollen head absorbed most of the impact! I made it! (I skidded and rolled and tumbled and tossed my lunch for about 2 straight km\u00a0in a constant state of chaos, but I made it in one piece…. I think.)<\/p>\n

Whew! Mission ACCOMPLISHED! What an adventure!!\u00a0Spider Monkey Rover Delivery Craft, take me home!!<\/p>\n

…. …. Hey …. …. Umm …. Up, and at them? …. Mission Control? …. My developing concussion is likely -just maybe- interfering with what little astronaut skills I gleaned doing donuts in the Space Center’s parking lot…. but isn’t this button *supposed* to ignite the liquid\u00a0for the return trip back\u00a0to my loving family, the memories of whom are blurring with\u00a0literally every kerbal\u00a0I’ve ever glanced upon?<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>*whisper whisper* Return trip? *whisper whisper* I never saw that page of the coloring book. *Whisper* *Whisper* *slightly more intense whisper* *SHHHH* Errm, “Mission Accomplished? Fade to black?”<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>GET ME OUT OF HERE!!<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong><\/span> *Whisper* *Nudge* It turns out, *Ahem* hrrm, we only packed a light lunch for, uh, launch and enough fuel…. for a one way trip. *Ahem* Seems that…. it seems that MechJeb forgot to calibrate for the, um, that bigger number -thing- and…. But don’t you worry! Just kick back, grab a seat, and good ol’ Kerbal Space Program will live up to it’s stellar\u00a0reputation. We put the “space” in program, and the “kerbal” in “space”!<\/p>\n

Mission Control’s Janitor:<\/strong><\/span> Well, that’s the problem now isn’t it?<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>Just sit tight and hydrate those powdered ice cream packets with\u00a0any local water sources\u00a0you happen to run across. And, uh, breathe shallow….<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-29_00002\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0Just a munar minute later and we’ve hastily rocketed to your rescue!<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>It’s been THREE\u00a0DAYS!!<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong><\/span> Well, we can both agree that the secondary rocket crash site near your location\u00a0was expensive, and that this drone is the answer to all your prayers!<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-29_00003\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong><\/span> See, we’ll just…. use our RemoteTech network to…. pilot this wobbly trash can full of fuel…. carefully, carefully, on over to your craft…. and…. We’ll nestle it snugly -SNUGLY- between the lander legs. Smooth as a newborn kerbal’s bum.<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-29_00004\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>Smooth as a bum, I say. And yes. Hey, what’s…. what’s it doing?<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>*sigh* The solar panels aren’t aligned with the driving wheels, and it’s getting stuck. Whoa! Whoa, WHOOOA! You’re gonna\u00a0topple the thing before the\u00a0magclamp has a chance to\u00a0align! Careful….<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong><\/span> What a quandary! There’s no pilot seat on the fuel reserves\u00a0and the Janitor at base can’t maneuver\u00a0with much precision.<\/p>\n

Mission Control’s Janitor:<\/strong> <\/span>Hiya.<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>We need those panels for power and it\u00a0must stay\u00a0upright….<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>Whatever do we do?!<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>Oh…. DESPAIR. If only we could implement\u00a0our squishy green heads for more than just pipe dreams and impromptu brake pads! Fiddlesticks.<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-28_00006\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong><\/span> You…. you figured it out.\u00a0Where ever did you get the idea to smash the obtuse\u00a0solar panel with a 50 meter DIVEBOMB? That was positively amazing!<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>I just used my noggin.<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-29_00007\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>Whenever ready, it’s in your capable hands. Even the tiny propellant lifters\u00a0on the spare fuel drum will\u00a0pitch in…. Blast off!<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-29_00009\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong><\/span> Oh…. well ONLY the propellant lifters\u00a0will fire apparently. As expected, of course.<\/p>\n

(Interesting. Let’s mark that in the engineering coloring manual.) Look at her go!<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>Look at her stop! I barely circularized the orbit with these tiny engines…. We’re adrift. Again.<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-29_00013\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>The only thing left to do is jettison the empty canister and rethink my career choices. (Whether or not I get home, my bosses will\u00a0definitely<\/em> not be receiving even a compulsory Christmas gift this season.) Mission Control, do I stick out my thumb to flag little green men in passing; is hitch-hiking the only way out of this?!<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-29_00015\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>Never fear! Throwing gobs of cash, time, and corrugated aluminum tubes\u00a0into space is really all there is to do around here -our specialty! Within no time, we fired a bottle rocket your direction, RemoteTech’d it to your position, synced it up in orbit, and gave you a new lease on life!<\/p>\n

Mission Control’s Janitor:<\/strong><\/span> You’re welcome. Let us renegotiate my pay.<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>In time, in time.<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-29_00017\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong><\/span> You’re good to go! Or arrive. In either scenario, just don’t fry up upon re-entry. The friction produced by our breathable gassy stuff (“air” to the layman) heats up like a nuclear potato in a microwave tossed at an active volcano wearing a sweater. It’s like doing a belly flop at three thousand meters per second while on fire. Ouchies!<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-29_00020\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>OH, a\u00a0terrestrial landing…. that’s much more dangerous than an oceanic splashdown. The air is thinner, it can’t slow your descent, and you have\u00a0more likelihood to excavate\u00a0a scorching scar across the terrain when your parachute rips apart at the source leaving the twisted, jagged wreckage to smash against the planet until it settles listlessly, rocking in place while\u00a0the last bits of broken glass and metal cease motion, forever.<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:\u00a0<\/strong><\/span>You’re NOT HELPING!!<\/p>\n

\"2015-06-29_00026\"<\/a><\/p>\n

-BANG KABOOM FWOOOOOOM SHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh- -thump- -thump-<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"2015-06-29_00027\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>Mission Control…. this is Danelle Kerman, exhausted scientist. I’m home. *pant* Finally. *pant* That was a close one. The auxiliary rescue tank got crushed and exploded in the process…. though I’m safe, for now. Our mono-propellant balls fell off.<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong><\/span> Just in time! What an excitingly dangerous mission\u00a0in which\u00a0you performed admirably! (Nevermind our own misgivings.)<\/p>\n

We hereby honor you with TAA\u00a0DAAAAAA “Rank 2” as a scientist. Kudos! (I’m informed it’s\u00a0slightly better than “Rank 1”!)<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>Where’s the nearest jacuzzi? I need a soak and a good cry.<\/p>\n

Mission Control:<\/strong> <\/span>There are none, remember? KSP has the space center and not a single diversion for miles and miles and miles! We can start plotting our next adventure though!<\/p>\n

Danelle Kerman:<\/strong> <\/span>*groan*<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Danelle Kerman (Aspiring\u00a0Scientist): I have a DREAM. A dream to someday walk on that which I’ve merely\u00a0seen and nary\u00a0touched. One day, someday,\u00a0I shall tread upon that gray\u00a0orb hanging intangibly low in Kerbin’s majestic sky, ever-present since our ancestors first crawled … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[33],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3116","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-vg-kerbal-missions"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3116","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3116"}],"version-history":[{"count":21,"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3116\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3157,"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3116\/revisions\/3157"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3116"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3116"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3116"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}