{"id":2209,"date":"2013-09-24T16:21:49","date_gmt":"2013-09-24T21:21:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/wordpress\/?p=2209"},"modified":"2017-08-29T13:22:54","modified_gmt":"2017-08-29T18:22:54","slug":"car-modifications-are-stupid","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/car-modifications-are-stupid\/","title":{"rendered":"Car Modifications are Stupid"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"swiss<\/a>[Chrysler excluded], any kind of after-market car mod is scientifically proven to\u00a0divide whatever dignity it once retained\u00a0and exemplify a\u00a0concentrated waste of human effort….\u00a0unless\u00a0the goal is to burn cash and impress drug dealers\u00a0with more\u00a0metal in their grimaces than a chromed exhaust tip. Like a stage production cobbled by\u00a0an elementary school of mentally challenged paraplegics\u00a0(where\u00a0scotch tape holds both the cardboard scenery AND disparately-sequined costumes together), these rolling abominations are\u00a0labors of love\u00a0to which\u00a0bystanders can only mutter and hope to shake their furrowed brows loose with tight head motions. Here are some guidelines to ensure that your slab\/donk\/hoopde is\u00a0nightmarishly ostentatious, exhuding all the\u00a0charisma of a shrieking tantrum exhibited\u00a0in a Wal-Mart checkout lane.<\/p>\n

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\"door<\/a>\"ghetto-ford-truck-rims-wing\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Home Depot: for your car's vanity needs.<\/pre>\n
Wings<\/span><\/strong>
\nWings generate lift in birds but are flipped downwards\u00a0in high-performance race cars, allowing\u00a0for\u00a0increased traction\u00a0at break-neck speeds. Because the\u00a0air rammed beneath a carbon fiber body at 200 mph can cause dangerous fishtailing, it’s a feat of engineering that reversed wings increase a\u00a0car’s “weight” on straightaways while reducing the effects for tighter cornering. What does a hastily constructed wedge of tiered metal do for a\u00a0Honda Accord with primer bruises? Why, it adds mass, increases drag, and reduces engine output of course!\u00a0I frequently pray that these\u00a0overblown weathervanes are misaligned,\u00a0a bid to put my signature on\u00a0a cosmic petition\u00a0that will hopefully force these eyesores off the road and\u00a0careening into the nearest junkyard.<\/p>\n
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\"red-escalade-with-spinners\"<\/a>\"plastic-spinners-hubcaps-743\"<\/a><\/p>\n
These spinners seem too big to fit in a conventional happy meal.<\/pre>\n
Spinners<\/span><\/strong>
\n\"OLYMPUS<\/a>Though you never see a set of four rotating in a tandem direction, I admittedly thought this shit was as cool as Dragonball Z back\u00a0at the turn of the century. Thankfully, these vertical\u00a0roulette wheels are no longer popular among flat-brimmed thugs with dem phat\u00a0bling, yo. Either that, or legislation successfully lobbied to have them banned as unnecessarily distracting to motorists who aren’t expecting to see a thumpin’ suburban peeling out (in reverse).<\/p>\n
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\"benhur<\/a>\"ghetto-car-rims\"<\/a><\/p>\n
Now in \"venetian blinds\" and \"training wheel\" flavors!<\/pre>\n
Rims<\/strong><\/span>
\nAh, the\u00a0layman’s entry\u00a0into the world of cosmetic upgrades<\/del> modifications! Even if years\u00a0of Lowrider Magazines -their rippled pages glued\u00a0together with semen-\u00a0hold down a wobbling coffee table in their own foul-smelling den, many car enthusiasts won’t know what jargon to use in describing the tangled mass of gleaming intestines found beneath an automotive hood. Should they wish “car talk” without full commitment to a soliloquy at the behest of an actual mechanic possessing verbal kung-fu, there exists one phrase that simultaneously relieves them of conversational responsibilities and technically counts towards a contribution in the social\u00a0hazing-ritual known as “tolerating pompous assholes”. Something these\u00a0laymen\u00a0DO know\u00a0to say can neither\u00a0be disproven nor disputed, and avoids an invitational minefield should they accidentally mention something in proximity of car pieces that actually matter. “Those are some sweet rims”, states the savvy wannabe. Nevermind that aftermarket cheese graters resemble something designed to wreck Benhur’s chariot.<\/p>\n
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\"tylenol-extra\"<\/a>\"mcdonalds_ghetto_car\"<\/a><\/p>\n
Blaring nuisance by day, headache relief shill by.... day also.<\/pre>\n
Branding and Mascots<\/span><\/strong><\/span>
\nWhat does Dora the Explorer, the Incredible Hulk, the Pilsbury Doughboy, Cheetos, McDonalds, Skittles, Crown Royal, Fruity Pebbles, Aquafina, Tylenol, M&Ms, Bud Light, Lucky Charms, and Dunk ‘n’ Donuts all have in common? For starters, the parent\u00a0corporations aren’t paying gold-toothed convicts in stained wifebeaters to plaster over-sized decals\u00a0on themed cars as advertisement…. But the gaudy stickers are there regardless. I’ve heard two explanations: 1.)\u00a0some monotone rapper expressed his distaste for a particular\u00a0breakfast cereal while an opposing chest-puffing rhyme-reciter countered his earnest opinion and it spiraled from there. 2.) The\u00a0bizarre endorsements represent the type of drugs the occupant inflicts on his community. In either scenario, though, the driver is likely\u00a0to be avoided since he’s “badass” enough to pervert\u00a0children’s cartoons and crazy to spend tainted money\u00a0in driving a grocery list.<\/p>\n
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\"stupid<\/a>\"stupid<\/a><\/p>\n
Football goal posts are like paisley for men, and match every wardrobe.<\/pre>\n
That Stupid Flame Pattern<\/span><\/strong>
\nWhen will humanity acknowledge that these wavy pitchforks look nothing like flames? (This goes for you TOO Mike’s shirts from the 1990s!) Something that remains understated in most technical courses or even communal\u00a0knowledge\u00a0is the fact that vehicles do not operate well under temperature duress i.e. your shit\u00a0don’t work when it’s on fuckin’ fire, guy. Whether the rows of hallucinogenic snake tongues presented in\u00a0shades\u00a0of rainbow are a camouflage to spare embarrasment in the event of the eventual engine crisis is yet to be determined. One thing is for certain, however;\u00a0these vehicles are a “la cucaracha” horn\u00a0and two dashboard Jesuses away from invoking an unconstitutional search-and-seizure in the great state of Arizona.<\/p>\n
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\"suppose<\/a>\"big<\/a><\/p>\n
That string of gibberish is visible on the inside of his trunk,\r\nconvenient for awkward lot lurking.<\/pre>\n
Metallic, Pearlescent, and Baby-Puke Paint<\/span><\/strong><\/span>
\nContinuing the spirit of waving your limbs\u00a0like a coked-up windmill and\u00a0bass-blasting a crowd until all toddlers and a confused businessman glance your direction, “glossed insecurity” is the hottest new color in Crayola’s arsenal. Unrelated, punks and thugs like shitty car paint. An Aston Martin can’t pull off a single shade\u00a0bridging forest green to olive to\u00a0teal, so why a flourescent Cutlass Supreme would fare better can only be determined by\u00a0Poseidon, our Lord of the Sea. In theory, the aspect of changing colors based on viewing angle -naturally accentuating the sensual curves of a purring road ripper- is stuff of science fiction, but the actuality is wholly disappointing. Besides the practical application of finding your shit-mobile within the parking lot\u00a0edition of 50 Shades of Gray<\/em>, it is ill-advised to both test and cultivate\u00a0the urban myth about low-frequency “brown noises” while driving something the color-antithesis of diarrhea.<\/p>\n
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\"wagon<\/a>\"lifted\"<\/a><\/p>\n
Behold, the conceptual fusion of roller skates and a covered wagon.<\/pre>\n
\"lowrider-chevy-impala\"<\/a>\"scrape-rider\"<\/a><\/p>\n
Height Kits and Hydraulics<\/strong><\/span>
\nIn skyjacking themselves above their self-bankrupted family of poor choices, these drivers roll the metaphorical high life in attempt to assert dominance over anything that isn’t a shared second bedroom of the latest dilapidation they’re house-squatting. The irony is that not only will the struts snap at the first “slot car” inspired lane shift in sight of that street-walker with exposed jean pockets, but the modder’s life investments are tied up in\u00a0a\u00a0rack of flimsy suspension, pre-bought with the undelivered promises of six ounces of [that low-class street weed]. Height modifications either leave purple shit-smears of “tacky” over even the slightest concrete incline or shout to the world that, “Those aren’t potholes giving me whiplash; I denied myself 3 demonic clown tattoos to commission this death-carriage!”<\/p>\n
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\"BUICK\"<\/a>\"22-inch-rims\"<\/a><\/p>\n
Venting the stink from a trunk of dead cats is a small price to pay.<\/pre>\n
Car Make and Inches?<\/span><\/strong><\/span>
\nFor the benefit of light-sensitive glaucoma patients seeking buyers\u00a0for their ’90s luxury tanks, urban denizens now have the option to display the make of their glorified automotive interests in giant honkin’ letters that are\u00a0legible from lower orbit. “I Buy Used Status Symbols”\u00a0would be more appropriate\u00a0to emboss in reflective decals than a Godzilla version\u00a0of what your hubcaps, the hood ornament, fenders, the steering wheel, and each belt buckle already informs the general public (who\u00a0likely know WTF a “Buick” is)…. but do whatever you want I guess. Idiot. At first, I assumed the accompanying measurement was\u00a0an indication of\u00a0font size (a snafu similar to literal instructions found\u00a0on “cake wrecks”), but apparently not.\u00a0Since redundancy is a staple of some\u00a0people’s waking hours, let’s include a rim width notification…. just\u00a0to deflect the question, “How big are those dumbass wheels on your land yacht?”<\/p>\n
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\"escalade<\/a>\"bling<\/a><\/p>\n
The owner's medieval armor would later detract from this quiet majesty.<\/pre>\n
ChroooooooooOOOOOme<\/span><\/strong><\/span>
\nDoes anyone think that\u00a0their gas-guzzling top-heavy lard transporter\u00a0resembles a diamond instead of a lead-laden Chinese toy,\u00a0thin sheens of\u00a0silver enshrouding\u00a0toxicity? I swear, people are raccoons and birds, man…. meaning they’ll snatch up and eat anything shiny…. and maybe die from it. Okay, riddle me this: Were there compelling reasons beyond luster why Gold<\/span> became the ____standard for the world’s economy? And while there’s nothing officially wrong with the physical property of reflecting light (beyond the pitfalls of finger smudges, ding accentuation, and blinding other motorists),\u00a0the glistening grill of a man’s substitute\u00a0teeth at the wheel of a “blinged” automotive grill exudes as much class as a wrinkled piece of aluminum foil. Furthermore, that wrinkled foil\u00a0entombs a moldy burrito chock-full of indigestion.<\/p>\n
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\"exhaust<\/a>\"stupid<\/a><\/p>\n
Satan's vuvuzellas, converting \"tail pipes\" into phalluses since 2003.<\/pre>\n
Exhaust (Whistle Tips, too?)<\/span><\/strong><\/span>
\nExcluding\u00a0twin “devil horn” systems that inject noxious gas skyward and away from a trailing car’s air filter (both practical AND stylish), exhaust modifications generally bear the brunt of my chrome criticisms\u00a0with the added perk of dispensing two types of pollution. Imagine a bustling\u00a0city street where a decroded\u00a0Mustang goes sputtering by with misfiring pistons, each wheezing burble of bees\u00a0gaining traction being enhanced with\u00a0the masculine bellow of a Siberian bear\u00a0defending the borders of his\u00a0subterranean abode. Each beater has\u00a0its own distinct myocardial infarction which trumpets its arrival, made resoundingly hollow\u00a0by\u00a0a gracious tube of\u00a0shiny girth. In fact,\u00a0if your car is identifiable by sound, alone, you are likely in possession of\u00a0a locked fan clutch or have committed infractions against your exhaust (i.e. have\u00a0ponied money for snorkels when your\u00a0horses\u00a0get winded via mailbox sprints). As a side affect, many vehicles sound sexier than they are capable and\u00a0fall laughably short of their big talk like the braggart poseurs I\u00a0am currently comparing them to. There\u00a0must be a\u00a0better way to\u00a0phrase this….<\/p>\n
\"whistles<\/a>
\n“The whistles go\u00a0WOOOOO! Theeyen you gah dat flow.”<\/strong><\/p>\n
-Bubb Rubb<\/span><\/p>\n
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\"stupid<\/a>\"concrete<\/a><\/p>\n
Mel Gibson's earlier works had lesser post-apocalyptic props.<\/pre>\n
Skirts<\/span><\/strong><\/span>
\nLike an itchy dog’s ass on warm pavement, car skirts are designed to hover gracefully across our\u00a0gray matrix of switchback elevations, driveway inclines,\u00a0speed bumps, and oh…. wait.\u00a0They can’t handle\u00a0mere inches worth of clearance?\u00a0Well, if a modder is interested in cartographically analyzing the topography of\u00a0his\u00a0favorite\u00a0late-night Denny’s and has memorized his city’s constellations of potholes better than\u00a0the collective\u00a0list of weekly drink specials, then a sweet set of strap-ons for his manly vehicle are viable. Because the skirt aesthetic is used by professional race cars to increase drag\u00a0while providing stability on smooth meticulously-engineered tracks, the concept\u00a0becomes commercially\u00a0feasible in only flat, mid-western states such as Kansas.\u00a0He just better hope that Autozone’s operating hours overlap with those of\u00a0the generic topless bars with surreptitiously suggestive\u00a0names, because his\u00a0supply of Bondo and car’s skirts will drop faster than a strippers’ pride.<\/p>\n
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\"2-car-panties\"<\/a>\"maury<\/a>\"blingking2\"<\/a><\/p>\n
Honorable Mentions<\/span><\/strong><\/span>
\nNo one man can list all of the ridiculous bullshit that gets stapled, glued, taped, spat, and bolted to a vehicle, but my favorite accessories of retard-obilia\u00a0include\u00a0*inhale* those little engine vent stickers, truck nuts (why not floppy dildo hood ornaments?), carlashes, car-bras, vacant bike racks\u00a0jutting from\u00a0trunks,\u00a0frayed sports flags, frayed\u00a0American flags, a back window terrarium of five-thousand beanie babies, Calvin peeing on anything, that one mass-produced Hawaiian lei hanging from rear-view mirrors,\u00a0Mardi Gras beads, Christmas wreaths, Christmas antlers, Christmas lights blinding the driver (bonus points for twinkling), and lastly….<\/p>\n
….sun-faded bumper stickers from the previous election.<\/p>\n
Pardoned: Manual-shifters capped with red-eyed plastic skulls, those\u00a0stick figure\u00a0family decals, hula girls, and Jack-in-the-Box antennae balls are all okay in my book though.<\/p>\n
\"cardboard<\/a>\"givin-haters-the-blues\"<\/a>\"high<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
[Chrysler excluded], any kind of after-market car mod is scientifically proven to\u00a0divide whatever dignity it once retained\u00a0and exemplify a\u00a0concentrated waste of human effort….\u00a0unless\u00a0the goal is to burn cash and impress drug dealers\u00a0with more\u00a0metal in their grimaces than a chromed exhaust … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2209","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-just-pure-griping"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2209","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2209"}],"version-history":[{"count":50,"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2209\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2957,"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2209\/revisions\/2957"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2209"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2209"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/skullduggery.us\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2209"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}